writing nothing or anything

They say I have to write. I have to write daily for an hour. Don't ask me who they are, I won't answer even if you did.

But what must I write. Anything. How is anything writable??!! It is as here I am writing nothing.
How do I know if it is anything anyway? It can be something or another. How can I categorize what is being written now to be nothing.

For sure it is not null, 'cause according to us, programmers, null is no value. And as I can see, I am writing some letters and words so the overall value can never be zero. Maybe it won't sum up to much. But it is something. Isn't it.

So here I am writing something. Trying to give meaning to this something. But what if it has no meaning. It was created to be meaningless. Created to just be. Can we exist  just to exist???

Why do we spend our entire lives looking for a meaning to our existence. The only meaning I know is that we exist. Just like my words here, I had the urge to write them and was advised to do so but truly there is no meaning, no higher goal or aim about them. Just words appearing in a blog.


That's what jwoman has to say for today.

This is not a woman

She is a woman, or so they say.

Born a female.
Loved her beauty, her body, her hair, her feminism.

She never asked

What is a female?
What is a woman?

Days pass and she loses her uterus and ovaries. She,  then, fell into the menopause syndrome so early in her life.

She felt empty inside, void. But yet she kept her image, her pose. 

How did she feel? Did this mean she is no more a woman. She lost her fertility. But did this mean she lost her sexuality, her femininity. No, she's yet the same, the same look and feel. She still persisted on being the flawless female.

Days pass again and cancer took away her breast, her left breast and left her shoulders leftward inclined. She's flawed now.

She stands in her room naked. Looks at her reflection in the mirror. "I am deformed."

It's not the same anymore.
She feels lost. She has lost her identity, her definition.

This time too soon before she could forget. Again, they tell her, they are taking away her other breast. 

The equilibrium will be maintained for her shoulders. No more left inclination, no more.

 How can she accept it. 

Fuck the equilibrium, she held on to her last proof of feminine existence.

Memories came rushing to her head. The pain is all alive in her mind. Touching her short hair, she can see the bald head, the fallen hair.

And she stands there thinking,
                           Who am I now?
                           I am a deformed beast.
                           I lost my identity, my feminity
                           I am not a woman any more
                           I am all empty inside out.

                           I don't care all I want is to live, female or not, I want to live!!!!

                           I don't care all I want is to know for sure the cancer has left what is left of my body.

                           I don't care all I want is to be able to use my arm efficiently. Already the last surgery,          took away life off my left arm. Please O, Lord, how can I live without life in both.

And now she asks,

What is a female?
What is a woman?


That's what jwoman has to say for today,