jWoman is forty today!

Today I close my fourth decade on this earth. A decade ends and a new one starts. I hope I am wiser than when I started my thirties, I am happier and much more calmer. 

I remember this day a decade ago, 10 years ago! I started my thirties in the middle of the Arabic spring, in the streets of my beloved city Alexandria, marching and asking for freedom, for the right to have a voice, to exist. 

As difficult as those years were, they brought me to where I am today, and you do not regret one bit of that. I won't start on the cheesy lines of age is just a number blah, blah, blah. But I know things look so clearer and calmer now I am forty (woooow, that is super weird hearing myself say it!!!!), than when I was thirty. 

The last decade held so much, 

    a revolution, marching the streets, shouting at the top of your lungs, the illusion of making a difference and the ecstatic feeling it brings, divorce, love and loss intertwined, broken hearts, friendships lost and gained, saying goodbyes and saying hellos, leaving home, making a new home, aloneness and loneliness, being a student again, starting a new career, toxic workplace, leaving and starting over, restarting career again, opening up, being scared but yet getting out of bed every morning.

And here I am 10 years from 27/7/2011, in 2021.  I am a different version of myself, the little girl of 10 is still there along with the hesitant angry young woman at 20, and that too-sure of herself 30-year-old me. They are there, but quieter, smarter and less sure of themselves :).

I know a lot but the most important thing is that I am still missing a lot more. There is so much more to learn and see and experience and as long as I am here I will live, breathe and enjoy.

Enjoy the little things, the voice of a friend, the taste of a hot cup of coffee in the early morning, the smile on a little child or a cheeky naughty one, a small pink bud barely visible in the tree in my front yard is enough.

I understand now that nothing will make me happy and no one, I am the only one able to achieve this. And happiness is not a goal that I will reach when something happens. No happiness is a way of living, a lifestyle, a diet ;). And enjoying the journey is what life is all about.

So my dear friends, stay safe, be happy and enjoy the ride.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

And again I am not ok

 Yes, I am not ok.

And I havent been ok for a long time now. I am in a very dark place and it is getting darker by the second. I try, I push back and push back trying to get out and it seems that I am going towards the light then I just fall back.

I am so lonely, so hurt, so frustrated and again so lonely.

Life is a very gloomy place to be and I am lost in the silence of isolation and loneliness. It seems like I am navigating through the endless seas of life, alone with no crew on deck or below it. I am alone trying to take control of my ship where as the fact is the wind is tossing me to random directions going towards nowhere. My ship just sails and sails and nothing around but silence, endless seas broken just by a sound of a flock of birds flying overhead or the wind blowing my sails and sometimes rocking the ship so hard. 

The birds hail land but no land appear in the horizon, it is always this endless blue seas.

And yes, I am not ok.

I am not OK, but I am not complaining

 How are you?        I am not fine

I don't feel fine, and I haven't been for a lonnnnng time

Have you noticed!!

        But I am not complaining....

I don't want to complain 

I don't want to spread negativity

But I wanna talk, and I want to be listened too.

I listen continously, and I am filled, overflowing with emotions and thoughts belonging to others.

And mine are bubbling, wanting to be acknowledged but oppressed by me, imprisioned at the tip of my tongue, because it is not the right time to talk.

You see me sitting there with a smile, I walk with a smile, talk with a smile but sometimes, it just hurts my face.

I am forcing it because I am not Ok, I am not fine but I don't wanna complain.

I listen my mum complaining about my dad, and her life with him. My friends complaining about their marriages, their children, their love-life or their sex-life but what about me!!!!!

Where do I fit, no where. I am alone and no one wants to listen. 

No one wants to watch the sunset in silence or sit in a coffee shop for hours discussing a book.

No one wants to talk about reliogion and existence, about our freedom and our choices.

No one wants to sit with for me hours, without talking abt other people or complaining about life.

I wanna talk about passion, humanity, love and freedom. 

I wanna light up my soul because it is fading away, dying in this spiritual starvation. 

I am tired, a tired soul lost in this superficial world.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

My Readings: Feminism from Mona El-Tahawy view

 I am happy I have continued reading the book (The Seven Necessary Sins For Women and Girls), and this is a sequel to my previous article.

The next sin or I mearn chapter in Eltahawy's book was Attention. And I have seen strong, independent, talented women called whore bitches just because they stood up and grabbed what they deserve. A man would have never been called so if or maybe better when he does the same thing. Since I was part of the Egyptian Revolution I have a feel for what Mona describes about attention. I think the 25th of Jan and the days that followed broke something loose in many egyptians and especially egyptian women. I saw women getting bolder and not any more being apologetic for being women, but really taking what they deserve not caring what they are called.

Then comes Profanity, where again, me and Mona Eltahawy don't see eye to eye. I don't see the need to be angry nor profane to get what we need or deserve. Profanity is not a tool I can promote or accept. I am against, completely against how patriarchy had used a girl or a female's body part to signify weakness, stupidity and profanity.  It is really interesting how the author noted that she now uses "don't be a little kitten" or "cry like a kitten" instead of the patriarchy's "like a girl". That is nice.

But again, why do I need to say either. I am so moved by the anger and negative vibe that radiates from a big portion of the book. I do not think the world requires any more anger, we need to stand for ourselves but not to end up with inflated egos and  anger. Because then we will be no better than the patriarchy we are complaining of. We need to be conscious of where we are coming from and why we are doing this, really.

Ambitions is sin number 4 and that is a great chapter with so many examples that show how this world was designed just to kill ambition in women just because they have wombs. And yes it can be seen till this day and in the most civilised and advanced societies that being a woman, a mother you are at a disadvantage. It was an amazing experience reading about the Japanese University where they were unfairly assessing women to "rescue the boys". The boys needed rescuing because the girls were getting better marks and would have been accepted instead of the boys!!!!! And they weren't even apologetic for doing that!!!!!

Power is sin number 5. Power, women in power, examples of women gaining power and claiming positions of power without asking for permission is very powerful, in my opinion, to every girl and woman. Gives hope, a silver lining that if they can do it, you can do it.

Violence is sin 6 and again here she lost me. The whole predicament of the chapter is that we need to increase women’s violence against men to balance the scale not decrease men’s violence. I am with women defending themselves when attacked and standing for themselves when abused and leaving when not respected but not going violent just to tip the scale.

And finally comes lust, which from my perspective, noones business. Everyone should be free to express it in whichever way they are comfortable with. If you see it a sin, do not do it but do not impose your rules on another, period.

My main feeling after finishing the book is that it might be too long for its content, with some ideas repeated a lot. I wasn’t wiser at the end of this read, just couldn’t prevent myself from questioning the amount of violence promoted here.

This is what jWoman had to say today.

My Readings: First day at work and Angry Feminism

 

It was my first day at work, I mean physically going to work, and meeting people in the flesh. As exciting as it was, it was exhausting. The commute was indeed exhausting, especially going back!!! I was lost, hot and drained. All schedules were fucked up and nothing accurate online and I wasn’t sure which way to go. But I am writing this from the train to Geelong, Marshall station. And from there I will need to figure out a way to go to Warun Ponds. Too much commute for one day.

I just hope I haven’t messed up taking this train.

I am reading a book by Mona El-Tahawy (The seven necessary sins for women and Girls). She is an Egyptian American Feminist preaching a feminist angry doctrine, that is her first lesson to girls, ANGER!!! 

I don’t agree with anger even if it is not violent or aggressive. Why should being a feminist mean being angry!!!! 

I am with peace, and standing for what we are in peace, anger brings more anger and more negative vibes. Why should we teach girls to be angry and teach boys to restrain themselves, these are her words. How is this even fair. I do not see anger against patriarchy as the solution.

When comparing that book to Anbar’s book (Memoirs of an Early Arab Feminist) , I cannot but bow respectfully to the feminist school that Anbar represents.

Rudeness, vulgarity and obscenity are what Mona preaches and asks girls to be. These are the true feminists or else they aren’t feminist enough, or traitors maybe!! 

This in itself is labelling and discrimination against women who appreciate modesty and respect. Why can’t I protest against the patriarchy without using the F* word and without yelling in anger and shouting. 

I do not see myself agreeing with her on any point. But I will continue reading the book, continue the journey I started with Mona and see where it takes me, just as I am seeing where this train will take me. Hopefully home.

Edit: I got home safely and I was lucky to have stuck to continue reading the book even though I wasn't agreeing with the first chapter :). See my next article for more.

Have a good day my friends.

This is what jWoman had to say today. 

https://www.jamesmurua.com/mona-eltahawys-the-seven-necessary-sins-for-women-and-girls-out-in-september/

My Readings: Memoirs of an Early Arab Feminist, Anbara Salam Khalidi

I believe that nothing just happens but everything happens for a reason. And this book fell into my hands for a reason. I have to admit that my history knowledge is not all that thorough and there are gaps in history which I know nothing about, I might have some vague ideas about different nations and what they went through, that I might have gathered from conversations with others, friends, senior family members or even from novels or movies. The Lebanese and Palestinian events at the end of the 19th century and the start of the 20th was one of those. And I was not aware of the role women played in this history and in shaping the future of Arab women.

This book was enlightening and beautiful, drawing a picture of the Lebanese social structure in that era, first under the declining Ottoman empire, then under the French occupation. This made me more interested to read more about these times and get to know more about other influential women like Huda Shaarawi, May Ziadeh, Malak Hifni Nassif among others.

The most painful part of the book was the part of her life spent in Palestine as she witnessed first hand the legal and illegal immigration of Jews to grab land and evacuate Arabs out of their homes and the Zionist propaganda. This part of history has been written and rewritten from different point of views. What I know is that whichever way you looked at it, it was a humanitarian disaster and no means can be justified by the end.

I have to say I am grateful to Anbara and all her contemporary women who fought for liberation and rights of women. If it wasn’t for them, my life won’t be as easy as it is today. It is still to this day challenging being a woman but it is not compared to being forbidden to learn, talk or walk the streets without permission of a male guardian and without a veil that hides even my eyes. The darkness they rebelled against gained up the light we live in.

Gaining PhD. degrees and travelling on my own to foreign countries, the luxury of chosing where you want to live and work, the freedom to chose to live alone were not an option in those time.

So, THANK-YOU LADIES!

It is a highly recommended book which is easy to ready and which gives you insights into historical events and social structure of a different era. 

The n-dimensionality of life: reading the Alexandria Quartet

 I first read the Alexandria quartet, years ago, many years ago, maybe during school or university. Honestly I am not sure when, and indeed I don't think I read all the 4 books. What I am sure of is that i read the first half of Justine and I think I never finished it.

Years later, I am hear again picking up the book and starting from the start. I am now mid-way through the third book and I have to stop to breathe. Durell is just fascinating, he has blown my head up.

Finishing "Justine" (Book 1), I was breathless filled with emotions of rage and sympathy. Images of my cosmopolitan city with the layers of different people walking her streets and creating a portrait that was so full on for anyone to take in. But reading Justine left me missing something, I felt I was imprisoned in a 1-D cell, that is the narrators view of things, his experiences with bits and pieces that were not enough to me.

Then came "Balthazar" (Book 2), to add in multiple more dimensions, and seeing that even while we think we know it all and we are the heroes of our own stories, this is not wholly true. In the unfathomable depth and abstraction of human relationship, nothing is simple or 1-D. Every character know has more to give, more to fascinate my mind and pop up even more questions. We can see the bewilderment that Balthazar comments brings on the narrator who has banished himself to a far away island after the disappearance of Justin and the death of Melissa. All the known facts of his life are rattled by comments interlinear by Balthazar into his manuscript, into his history, into his life story. 

"Mountolive" (Book 3) came as a surprise, the narrator is no where to be found, and we finally have a name for him "Darley". He is described as "a good fellow, gentle and resigned, with a shyness that goes with great emotions imperfectly kept under control". And suddenly our narrative is insignificant and has no effect on events, he is no more the center of the universe.

I remember the event (Book 1 or 2) when Justine faces here harasser, for whom she carries such anger and pain that seemed to possess her and her life for years, and suddenly he do not even remember the event. It has slipped from is memory as insignificant, while the event consumed her and so many other people around her for years. How invested can a person be in an aspect of life where he has the illusion that other people are sharing the emotion and being consumed in it while the truth is in another story we are just as insignificant as Darley is in Mountolive's story.

I still have a bit og Mountolive and the whole book of Clea.

This is what jWoman has to say for now.

I want peace. What do you want?

What is your plan? Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Where do you see yourself?

What if I have no answer to these questions?
Does this means I am a loser?! Am I a failure then?
I am not retiring and I am still passionate but I don't have a 5 year plan.

I do not want to compete with anyone, nor have an eye on a post or name tag I an yearning to achieve. All I look for is peace and a fulfilling job. Is this wrong?

They say it is wrong. HR won't accept this, an interviewer won't accept this and a big boss won't too. My question is why?

But wait here, what I just said does not mean that I will accept to be trodden on or exploited or wrongly treated.

I enjoy doing my job well, want to be appreciated and can efficiently lead, as much as I am an effective team player.
I enjoy helping others, being of use, teaching and mentoring people to find their way and their voice.

I want to take life as it comes in peace. What do you want, my friend?



This is what jWoman has to say today.

The aftermath of COVID-19

We are stil in the amidst of this pandemic but everyone is thinking what next? How will we emerge from this pandemic. What will be the norm after this period of lockdown and isolation?

Media all over the world is trying to promote the idea of coming together. Everywhere you see or hear an ad, explaining to you how closer communities are. But the question is, is this true?

Did COVID-19 bring us together or had it thrown as further apart?..............................

In my everyday life, I hear and even witness increased discrimination against people with Asian features. A doctor from melbourne was on the news a few weeks ago, telling about how he was called names in the street, just because he was Chinese.

And in different places such as UK, Australia, Egypt, Japan and all over the world, nurses and medical staff are harassed, prevented from entering the buildings where they lived, becuase other residnece where scared the nurses will bring with them infection into theit homes. Governments evern asked them not to wear scrubs outside hospitals so as not to be identified.
Domestic violence is on the rise everywhere in the world. Domestic violence against women is increasing, women who hide from abusive partners by going to work or doing other activities are no more able to do it. On the other hand, abusive partners have no pubs or clubs to vent their anger and frustration but on their partners with whom they locked up under the same roof.

Media only showed us people clapping and waving towards medical staff, and people smiling at each other, and families happily spending time at home.

So where next?
Once countries start to ease up restrictions, and people are allowed to go out and about. How will our social behaviour change?
Can we trust a fellow human on the street any more?
Can we get back close together? or was it an unnecessary behaviour that we grew accoustomed to and it is time to change?

I have no answers but we will have to wait and see......


This is what jWoman has to say

A time of Covid-19

A time of Covid-19

It is the strangest of times. It is the time of self-isolation, and a time of connecting. It is a time of fear and a time of faith with church doors closed. It is a time for staying home and even a time for work from home. People walking alone, friends saying hi through cameras and microphones. Singles are more single then they ever has been and families are closer then ever before. Schools kept empty, roads with no cars, shops with closed doors and priests praying alone with no congregation. What a world 2020 brought on us, an extreme world

It is Easter (Orthodox Easter), but feels nothing like Easter. No church services, no gathering family members for a long delicious Easter dinner and lunch, no chocolate exchange and easter bunny hunt.

Nature is blooming while humans are locked down in their homes. Wild animals are seen in once-crowded-now-empty city centres. These are the times we are living in now. 

The world governments in chaos, some are throwing blame, others begging for help and some bickering at their own politics. 

And so we live in a different world, on a different earth and having faith that we might at some point get back  a part of what we used to call normal life.

Stay safe my friends and have a great Orthodox Easter.

Inspired from first paragraph of Dicken’s A Tale of two cities.

jWoman in the time of Covid-19 

A story of a strong independent woman

I am a feminist and I call myself "a strong independent woman" and many people who ever dealt with me, I think, would describe me as strong and independent.

But still there are days when I am tired of being that solo strong independent woman who has an everlasting smile on her face.

On the days where the burdens of life are too much on my shoulder, I would imagine that scene from "Up close and Personnal", starring Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer, where she feel so depressed and lost at her work and sitting alone late in her office and there he appears out of the blue. He is just there without being asked or begged to come. He knew she was lost and needed him to be there. All she needed was that beautiful embrace he enveloped her in when he say her.

I would imagine him come into the room and hugging me and whispering in my ear, "Everything will be fine."

But the truth is, I find myself standing up from my desk, looking around the empty room, patting myself on the shoulder and saying to myself aloud, "It is gonna be all fine, you can do it. The best is yet to come."

And in this story, I am both Sally and Warren, both in one. And I think this is the story of every strong independent woman facing this world alone.

Enjoy the song,
Because you loved me (one of my Favs)


This is what jWoman has to say.

The power of our minds

Our minds are very power tools, on which we have full control and full access. As powerful as it is , it can be fatal too. As we get swept away with life and all it's details and demands. The demands of the modern life, we are living and always thriving to achieve, engulfs as and overwhelms us that we lose the control over our minds. Then, our emotions controls us and devils are let lose. We are lost in the realms of contradicting emotions, of vindictive emotions, competing to take control of us and leading us to the edge, pushing us to jump off the cliff, because the pain is too much; and life is an unbearable burden.

We can feel pain, real physical pain that is only created by the chaos happening between our minds and emotions. And it is one of the worst types. You never know from where it originates or how to stop it.

No one can help you back, no one can heal you. It is your job and your responsibility.

I am still investigating the ways to get back control, and cure the non-ending pain. Any one knows how?


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Letting go.

They say life is not fair, or others say life is difficult. Well, as for me, I do not know who those or those really are. But I believe it is a wrong life concept, according to which anyone  could live.
Life is all an image you create in your head, or so the new naturalist scientists say. Can it really be all in my head I am not sure. I am still investigating this.

But apart from all this, our experiences and life path shapes how we perceive life to a huge extent. And sometimes we become prisoners of our past, addicted to our comfort zone. To the extent that any newness is posed as a life-threatening issue, that causes us a lot of anxiety.

I have been holding on to my past, to a past with which I identify myself. Just thinking of cutting ties with it caused me a lot of anxiety and fear. The question, "Who am I, if I am not that?" was not really consciously asked but thinking of it now, I doubt that it was continuously posed unconsciously. I was scared of losing who I thought I am.

But the real question we must all ask ourselves is "Why do we need something to identify ourselves?". Why do I need a job title, a social title, an adjective or a noun accompanying my name to be me. The truth is I will still be me, even without anything attached. The essence is inside me not outside me.

And we must all learn to see ourselves stripped out of all adjectives and nouns, just our real being with nothing decorating it, because it is just so beautiful and bright on its own.

I am letting go and embracing the me.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

A lesson learnt from a poor little mouse or two !!

Hey there,

It is jWoman again,
Yesterday and today were pretty eventful to me. They were indeed pivotal days in my life ( a friend told me so too.). In these two days, I was forced to face one of my worst fears and overcome the paralysing effect of fear. I learnt to act because I had no other thing to do but act. When I tell you, my dear readers (if there is anyone reading my blog 😉), you might thing that it is a trivial thing. But, living inside my body and being controlled by my brain it is not. So I will try to make you walk in my shoes, hoping you may be courteous enough to hear me out.

Yesterday, I had two encounters with mice (two mice, to be specific). It is not yet the season of mice around this part of the year, but I think with all the bush fires, smoke and continuous hot/cold weather, things are changing and mice decided to come after me 😆.

In the morning, I went to the office as usual. I was a bit early so no one was there, plus this is the time of year when most people take their breaks (summer break). I was planning on having a quiet day (As I predicted no one will be around in my working area) to finish some reading and get some work accomplished. I was making my coffee in the little kitchenette, when I decided it was getting too warm and I need to open the AC. We have a split unit, which is located just behind my chair. So, I pressed the button and was on my way to continue making my coffee when I heard a clicking noise that was not normal, coming out of the AC as it was trying to open it's shutters. And I looked around to see a small mouse falling out of the opening shutters.

😵😲😲😲😲😖😖😖😮😮😮😮😮😲😲😲
I screamed and was frozen in my spot for a few minutes. Yes, this is my worst nightmare. I cannot deal with these small disgusting living creatures. I can deal with difficulties with insects and spiders. But mice, are warm, heart beating beings, which are also so disgusting. It took me some minutes, to convince myself to move and approach my desk, to find the poor thing laying there next to the wall. It was dead or so I thought.

I couldn't convince myself to go nearer or try and remove it. Astonishingly, I pitied it and it looked so cute and small, soooooo small. But no I cannot. I was alone, no one to help and I could not do it. So I just took my things and tried to work on another empty desk. I peeked at the little thing every now and then, tried to concentrate to no end. It was useless, to stay but ...... no I won't let that little dead thing ruin my day. I insisted on staying and working.

And at one instance, I extended my neck to have a peek of the little dead thing and it was not there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must haven't been dead. It must have just been unconscious or maybe sleeping !!!! And it is not there anymore. Where is it I do not know. It is gone under one of the cupboards. The strange thing is I was relieved, I didn't have to kill it or remove it. I just need to make sure it didnot come out to me again. So I had to produced noise to scare it and that what I did. I opened my browser and played some songs from YouTube and just continued my day. All the time just making noise, to ensure my sanity 😆.

I was spared this time from facing my fear, but not for long. In the evening, as I was just going to close up for the night. I heard a loud sound coming from the other side of the house, the side where the bathroom and the backyard. Also, living in my body and brain would mean that I was completely paralyzed by fear, my heart rate just hit the rooftop, and I could feel my pulse on the side of my neck.......

I feel it is too long for you guys, but I have to tell you the whole story.

And yes it was a mouse just fell into my bath tub and was struggling to get out. And for the second time in the same day, I am faced with that little creature.

Why me? Why again today? I could not stop thinking about that. And this time, inside my place and it is after midnight.

All, I could do was close the bathroom door, make sure to block the small space under the door with clothes and stand there behind the closed door and think. eventually, I got some mice poison and threw it into the tub from the door without setting one foot inside, and on my mothers advice I got some insecticide and also sprayed at the poor thing from the doorway, which meant that the insecticide hardly reached him, but I couldn't step inside.


And I spent the night thinking of that creature there and my fear. Why did it happen twice on the same day? Why was life so persistent to make me face this situation. I am kinda spiritual and felt there was something more to the situation.

I need to stop running and face the music but I was still scared.

I will spare you all the details of what happened next, is that I had to face it in the morning and remove it myself. I tried to escape by calling a friend or looking for help on AirTasker but eventually I found that I have to do it myself. And I did, my feet were shivering and heart was thumping but I moved the dead things and cleaned the whole space.

The funny thing was I went to work to find the other mouse trapped in a mice trap and dead too. But NOOOOO, I didn't do it again, thanks God, a colleague was around and removed it.

After two eventful, stressful days I had to think about it all. And I questioned myself, why did that happen and what does it mean.

Looking into the spiritual symbolism of mice, I found that it is a symbol asking you to look at what is right of your eyes and then take action accordingly. It might also be reminding you not to neglect the trivial but necessary things in life. That is to say focusing on one aspect of life and missing other opportunities that surround you. It could also be warning you that you are trying to do too many things at the same time.

I don't know yet which was meant for me, but what I am sure of is that this morning, life again showed me never say never. Life should me that there are still things that I can do which I thought I would never do. You never know how resilient and strong you can be unless you have no other way but be. And again I remember what I once wrote a few years ago, about the facing our demons, yes I needed to face my demon, which I hid in a closet for so long. And when I faced it, it turned out to be nothing. There is nothing to fear from a little dead mouse, I had face it and deal with it to know that.

But I still hope never to face that again.


This is what jWoman learnt today.

2020 Resolutions

It is 2020. And, I know it is hard to believe that. I remember when we sat and discussed our predictions of how 2020 will look like. Predictions about flying cars, self-driving cars, humanoids and much more. Maybe some parts have been reached and other not. But the real deal is all the changes in countries around the world that took place during the last decade.

Enough about everything else, this blog is about my resolution for 2020. I have decided to make it my year. I have decided to stand straight, taking my full space and becoming the full original me.

It is weird how a very small incident can reveal a lot to you, a very small thing leads you to a big AHA moment, as Oprah calls it. And that moment was looking at a photo of me, I asked my friend to take a shoot of me as we were attending a Christmas Carols in a park on Christmas eve.  Then looking at that photo a day later it hit me, I was trying to shrink myself, to take less space. That was indeed how I was acting in all aspects of my life. Always hiding my full length of character as well as physically. I was used to dress in a certain way to ensure I don't make any one uncomfortable, especially small-charactered envious females. One time I had a female close friend, who turned against me for no reason soon after that, with whom I always tried to not over dress, put make up, or even have a stylish hair form just not to over shadow her. And thinking more about it, I tried to hide some of my thoughts and ideas with her to keep her from feeling threatened. I was so stupid, looking just for affirmation. I would do anything to be accepted, even if that meant never being myself.

And from now on, I do not want to live like this. I will not again shrink myself, to get accepted. This is my resolution for 2020.  I want to be me, the full breadth and width of me.

Every morning, I will look into my mirror, and fall in love all over again with myself with all my flaws and beauty. I will accept me, inspite of everyonee and everything that is working against me.


This is what jWoman has to say for today.

A lesson to learn

For a long time now, I have wondering what is the lesson the universe trying to give me. Why am I going through all this pain. I knew deep inside me that this was useless pain and that I can get out of it. I had a very deep feeling that I can be better, I am better but also that I am aware that there is something amiss in my life.

My everyday life was unhappy and frustrating, I was affected deeply by trivial matters and people. A whole year had passed in this frustration and maybe even more. Even, my personal life was so void all through that period, empty and lonesome.

And today, it dawned on me. I was driving my car to work and sudden BAAAAAM. It was so simple. It was something I told everyone and said multiple times.  However, it seems I never really understood it or really applied it in my life.

I was seeking control over everything and everyone interacting with my life. I was turning into a control maniac. It was killing me that injustice is happening to a friend and I couldn't change that fact. My love life was not turning into the plan I had been brewing for years. My workplace was not functioning in the way I figured it should be functioning in. Everything was not working out as planned. And that was the issue.

I was used to being in control over many things. I had a certain autonomy in my previous job and a certain status that made me comfortable because it fed the control maniac inside me. That was not healthy. That made me believe I can change everything and everyone, although I kept saying otherwise. But really, I was.

Giving in to life, accepting what is given to you without a grudge, without desperation and frustration and being grateful.

Yes, I know it sounds cliche, but it is the truth. The truth that needs to be understood with consciousness and applied not just said and shared on social media.

But how to do that, I am still figuring out the steps and actions to achieve this. But I will start today just by saying this over and over to myself:

"I am grateful for everything and everyone. I am in accord with everything that happened and will happen. I am fine and at peace with myself and life."


This is what jWoman had to say today.

My Readings: Bertrand Russell Autobiography

I have just finished reading the first chapter named Childhood. I think that the best lifestory is always written by the person himself. No one can choose the correct words to describe his life than the person himself, and especially if he is Bertrand Russell.

Listening to his child voice in the written words, you can see how sensitive children are and essentially he was. Grown ups can shape a lot of a child’s life with a few meaningless words. The story about his Uncle William, who seems to me to have been a sick, cruel, and dark person, that human capacity for enjoyment decreases with age and that he (Bertrand) will never enjoy a summer day as much again. This story touched me a lot, as a child you are ruining all his expectations just by this sentence and your planting the seeds of fear that may forever blemish his ability to achieve enjoyment.

He was surrounded with grown ups who suffered from different psychological complexes that must have affected their behaviour and their interaction with him. But his adaptation and survival inherent skills helped him carve himself into what he turned into. Yet, he remembers his childhood as happy and he felt cared for by the grown ups in his life.

I think that also the open horizon and nature surrounding him from his early days had a great impact on him and as he always praises idleness, it gave him time to think and digest all that was happening around him from an early age.

Adolescence is always a very complex period of life. To Bertrand Russell, it was

“I thought that if I ceased to believe in God, freedom and immortality, I should be unhappy. I found, however, that the reasons given in favour of  these dogmas were very unconvincing”

“In general, I find that things that have happened to me out of doors have made a deeper impression that things have happened indoors.”

Engagement and First Marriage chapters takes through young Russells first encounter love and marriage. It was an intellectually intensive period of his life, finishing his dissertation and writing his first book.

The initiation of writing of ‘Principia Mathematica’ and a huge change in his life started with the year 1900.
“Ever since my marriage, my emotional life had been calm and superficial. I had forgotten all the deeper issues, and had been content with flippant cleverness. Suddenly the ground seemed to give way beneath me, and I found myself in quite another region. Within five minutes I went through some such reflections as the following: the loneliness of the human soul is unendurable; nothing can penetrate it except the highest intensity of the sort of love that religious teachers have preached; whatever does not spring from this motive is harmful, or at best useless; it follows that war is wrong, that a public school education is abominable, that the use of force is to be deprecated, and that in human relations one should penetrate to the core of loneliness in each person and speak to that.”

The next chapter titled ‘Principia Mathematica’ described his life From 1902 to 1910 which was in his own words very painful.
“They were extremely fruitful in the way of work, but the pleasure to be derived from the writing of Principia Mathematica was all crammed into the latter months of 1900. After that time the difficulty and the labour were too great for any pleasure to be possible.  The last years were better than the earlier ones because they were more fruitful, but the only really vivid delight connected with the whole matter was that which I felt in handing over the manuscript to the Cambridge University Press.

Love played an important part in his live and the women in his life played an important role in supporting hin through the intellectual chaos of war and also through the turmults of his career. The next chapters takes you through his life in Cambridge before the first world war and then his journeys through Russia and China.

Through this period his first marriage was broken with Ottoline coming into his life, then Colette was his main refuge during the war years until his imprisonment. After the war starts another chapter of his love life with Dora (his second wife), with whom he found a school.

About the war, he wrote,
"As a lover of civilisation, the return to barbarism appalled me. As a man thwarted parental feeling, the massacre of the young wrung my heart. I hardly supposed that much good would come of opposing the war, but I felt that for the honour of human nature those who were not swept off their feet should show that they stood firm ".

About Russia, he wrote:
"The time I spent in Russia was one of continually increasing nightmare."
"Cruelty, poverty, suspicion, persecution, formed the very air we breathed.”

Then come the trip to China, and the writing of  “The problem of China”.  He fell very sick and nearly died in Peking and was nursed by his second wife Dora. When he came out of delirium and was recovering, he was exceedingly happy with the news that they were expecting their first child.

On his return from China, started a different chapter of his life. He got married, had two children and found a school to  educate his children and other children. They found the school in his brother’s house, Telegraph house, on the South Downs, between Chichester and Petersfield. During this time he published, ‘Marriage and Morals’ and ‘The Conquest of happiness’.

In 1936, he married Peter Spencer, after he left Dora (his second wife), with whom he had his youngest child Conrad. Soon after that he sold the Telegraph house and left to America.

From 1938 to 1944, he stayed in America. It started as an 8 month lecture tour, that ended nearly 7 years later. Those years were filled with financial and intellectual challenges. During his work with the College of the City of New York, he was legally convicted and  became taboo throughout the whole of the United States. By 1943, the troubles stated to blow over and he started again lecturing.

"The gradual change of my views, from 1932 to 1940, was not a revolution; it was only a quantitative change and a sgift of emphasis. I had never been held the non-resistance creed absolutely, and I did not reject it absolutely. But the practical difference between opposing the First War and supporting the Second, was so great as to mask the considerable degree of theoretical consistency that in fact existed."

Returning  to England in 1944, was a difficult process that he insisted on undergoing.
"Throughout the forties and the early fifties, my mind was in a state of confused agitation on the nuclear question. It was obvious to me that nuclear war would put an end to civilisation."

And hence, started his long struggle to make a difference in the world, first by fighting against nuclear war. This part of the book (and till its end) is really of great interest to me. The great efforts to make a differnce and produce a change, that he exerted until way into his nineties is fascinating.
In 1949, his book 'The impact of Science on Society' was published based on lectures he gave at different venues.
"The chief matter with which I was concerned was the increase of human power owing to scientific knowledge."

Another fascinating thing about his life, is how he always looked for love and always found love. In 1950, he remet an old aquiantance Edith Finch, with whom he fell in love with and soon married. In the chapter titled 'At Home and Abroad', he talks about their unique relationship and the various activities they enjoyed together.

The rest of the book describes his various efforts to fight injustice around the work. He formed committies, organisations and wrote manifestos and letters. He gave lectures and speeches all around the world. What I really loved about the book is his complete honesty, he tells the story as he remmebers it with no  embellishment to make it look prettier or to gain any affirmations. He stood for what he thought, which often caused him to step down from positions when it was in opposition to what he thought or believed. He appreciated people and gave the credit all through the book, all the women in his life where appreciated and respected.

I enjoyed the book a lot and recommend it, just be aware it is a BIG book, with a loot of letters and speeches or articles.

This is what jWoman has to say for today.

                             

My Readings: What I Believe, Bertrand Russell

What I Believe by Bertrand Russell (1925)

I have just finished the book, it is a little book but a to-the-point book. I have always loved the ease with which we read Russell’s books. His words and language structures are just genius in their meaning and their ease. He knows how to get to your heart and your mind without an effort on your side or his.

The book is little guidebook on what Russell thinks is a good life.

“The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.”

The book has five chapters
I.   Nature and Man,
II.  The Good Life,
III. Moral Rules,
IV.  Salvation, Individual and Social, and
V.   Science and Happiness,

and they are all worth reading.

The philosophy of nature versus the philosophy of value is discussed in Chapter I. The philosophy of nature is much bigger than the human and his happiness or unhappiness. Nothing is good or bad there as opposed to the philosophy of value where everything is appraised by us with no outside standard.

“It is for us to determine the good life, not for Nature — not even for Nature personified as God.”

Knowledge and love are both essential for a good life, and missing one of the causes a lot of harm not just to individuals but to communities. His arguments are always related to logic and scientific justification.

It was interesting to read his views on the justice system and criminals treatment, in the Moral Rules part.

The idea of democratizing courage by events in the 19th century after being an exclusive characteristic of a social class or cult, is interesting.

“It has been physical science that has had most effect upon our lives, but in the future physiology and psychology are likely to be far more potent. When we discovered how character depends upon physiological conditions, we shall be able, if we choose, to produce far more of the type of human beings that we admire. Intelligence, artistic capacity, benevolence—all these things no doubt could be increased by science.”

This was a wish and a forecast of what he thought future science will accomplish. And his closing paragraph was,

“Nature, even human nature, will cease more and more to be an absolute datum; more and more it will become what scientific manipulation has made it. Science can, if it chooses, enable our grandchildren to live the good life, by giving them knowledge, self-control, and characters productive of harmony rather than strife. At present, it is teaching our children to kill each other, because many men of science are willing to sacrifice the future of mankind to their own momentary prosperity. But this phase will pass when men acquired domination over their own passions that they already have over the physical forces of the external world. Then atlast we shall have won our freedom.”

We as his grandchildren, in the age of the internet and with an unprecedented amount of information did we succeed to live a good life? Do we have enough knowledge to achieve that.

In my opinoin, we have not. Until this day, man still runs after his desire for power over others, trying to gain strength to weaken others and achieve his own momentary prosperity.

I wish to know what other people think is the answer to this question.
If anyone really reads my blog, I am waiting to know your opinion.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Moving Thoughts

I am moving.....
I am finally moving out of the student accommodation, where I have lived for three years. Three years that is a bit of time. I am so used of the intimacy of the small space. Small spaces makes me feel more in control and thus more safe, and that is what I experienced for the last three years feeling in control.

Now my new rental place has so many doors and windows, it has a car garage too and this is too much on my senses. I have to take control of all this space to feel safe and secure. I still cant feel intimate with my new place. It feels like a new boyfriend, who you are still getting to know 😂. It seems I still ca’t get over my ex 😂.

When I look around the place as it gets empty and everything that is me is getting erased bit by bit, I feel weird. I keep thinking when I am not there, when my awareness is not there, do it even exist. That little apartment how can it exist when I am not there. It’s a strange feeling.

I know, that as I close that door for the last time, and give up the keys, I am living behind a piece of me. I will still be me but yet a different me. I have grown a lot those three years, and I still am. Life never stops teaching us lessons, and it is our choice to learn the lessons the easy way or otherwise.

This is what jWoman  has to say for today

Missing you

Everyday, 

I start missing you ............ the moment my brain wakes up. 

And I am still missing you when I fall asleep. 

And in between, ..............

I just miss you insanely. 

Deep into the night, .........

I fall into sleep and ...

                      I dream of you. 

        Then only do I feel complete.