My Movie: The theory of Everything

It's not just a movie. It's a piece of something so profound, so genuine , so beautiful but painful.

It's not just the brilliance of a man or his defiance of all limitations, it's the story of the universe. It's so pure, like a walk in an untouched wood, or forest, where human distortions never reached.  The beauty of a human mind, heart and soul. His pain was so beautiful and his smile was so painful. He is a pure human figure, purified by the pain and left out of all the .

It's not just a love story, it's a life concert. He is an embodiment of the celebration of life. And to me he is a living proof of the existence of God. 

He is the painful beauty. I can't explain how beauty can bring pain but I perceived it and so it does, at least to me.

How can we get such strength, do we need so much pain to get out the best in us?? Can we just get it out on purpose? Do we all have such strength and beauty? Or has all the devilish details of our lives took away from us this capability, this beauty.

Thanks Stephen Hawkin

That's jWoman's words for tonight.

My Reading: Atlas shrugged

I have just finished this book. I have been reading it for so long. I have started it months ago, I can't recall how many indeed. Now, I can say really, 'thanks Ayn Rand'. This book was a real eye opener. It gave shape and meaning to some odd thoughts and ideas I used to have. It put into words what I have been fighting to make sense of. However, on the other hand, it increased my anger towards the society that I live in and the hereditary ideas and concepts of self destruction disguised as virtue, as self sacrifice.

I might not be that radical and I don't agree with every bit of her objectivism. However, selfishness and its misuse in our society is where I found Ayn Rands words and thoughts really enlightening. 

I still really respect the our cultural heroes, whether they are the soldiers who fight for the sake of their countries and people who really work in charity and people like Mother Teresa. But I look at them differently. To me, it is not selflessness that motivates them, or the need to nullify their existence. No, they were selfish in there own way. They did that with love, satisfaction and peace. They loved their lives so much and enjoyed it to the fullest in their own way.

I can accommodate our differences. Our variations is what made life possible and what keeps life going. Joy, love, happiness, satisfaction are relative issues and I can't measure how happy someone else is according to my measures not even my loved one or very close family member. But as long as I am doing what I am doing with love, passion, peace and eagerness then I am doing it selfishly. I am doing it for myself before any other end. My benefit from this work will be more than to any other beneficial.

And I do believe in God and Christ but there is something about the religion of today that I question and most often it repels me. I am repelled by the rituals that z

Those I can't ever accommodate or understand are the looter, as called in the novel. The parasites of our society who lives on my consent to feed them from my work while they deserve nothing. 

The last part of the long was prolonged too much for my taste. I was persistent to finish it but at time it got too boring. It could have been shortened without losing much. Some criticizes the book as being unreal or the characters. I don't think I care whether or not. Maybe at time she exgeratted in drawing the looters as bad looking and too evil. I think in reality it isn't that clear or consistent. The important to me is the essence of their existence, whether the parasites or the mind-owner.

It was a great book. I enjoyed it.

Echos

The night is long, too long
I hear your voice, I almost feel you near.
I stretch out to you but you're not there
And all I feel is coldness.
The air in the room freezes and my heart too slow to go on
My life burdened with unbearable pain, and I can't go on.

"You're my life. I can't hurt you"
But you did.

I still hear your voice in my ears, the echo of your words still in the room
But yet when I reach out for you in the darkness, coldness is all I feel.

Questions kill me, suffocate me in this freezing room.
Words said ...............and words yet................... not said eat my heart away.
And the echos are all that is left of you

The space you.............. once filled is vacuum now.
I can't breath the pain out,.............. I can't go on
I am drowning in my bed
I am freezing to death, echos of words you said are deafening my ears.

Echos of you are killing me mercilessly

A letter to an unfriend

The saying goes
                     "A friend, in need, is a friend indeed."

But you my friend failed to be a friend, since you left me when I needed you. I was weak. I was lonely. I needed a friend to lean on. I needed a friend to talk to, a friend who will listen without judging, without using my words against me, without blaming.

I don't need to walk the path of life, the same way you do. I don't have to use your methodology and logic. I have a mind of my own, you once praised. But suddenly when it didn't confirm to your thinking, you just escaped. You hide from me.

But you have once accepted me as friend. You have once accepted our differences as assets to our friendship.

Now, I am disappointed. I am sad, heart-broken. I thought you'll stand by me when I needed you. I thought you'll support my decisions just because they were mine. I thought you'll support them, just because I wanted them so much.

Today, I am starting over. I am starting a new page of my life. I once hoped, you'll be there to tell you all my new stories. I hoped I will share with you my life-story as I once did. But the truth is you are no more part of my life. You've gone with the old page. I am really sorry you had to leave with it. But it was your choice, so I have no regrets but I am sad.

I still wonder, how you are doing. I still care for you, care about the little issues, you once told me about and I don't know how you solved them. I still care about my friend. I care about the little and big details. I still think of you from time to time but with pain in my heart. I am sad you left without any goodbyes. I am sad you had to leave.

And now I am writing to you to tell you, you're no more my friend, you are an unfriend.

Good luck my friend.


This is what jwoman feels today

An inside battle for survival

She paced the room up and down continuously for minutes that seemed like days to her. Her breathing was hearable but yet couldn't drown the sounds in her head.

She went into the kitchen, standing in front of  the opened refrigerator door she noisily crunched at a cucumber. She set on the water boiler, brewed some relaxing herbs. All this noise and activities didn't stop the loops of thoughts running infinitely in her head.

Thinking of the past is of no use. It carries nothing but regret. The future is unknown and worry is all you get of contemplating it constantly. But how can she live her present with this aching pain in her heart. She feels void, deprived of life.

She stood before the bookshelves. Her eyes scanning the books, looking for a title that would grasp her attention. Opening a novel she have read before, her eyes run after the letters and words but no sense was made of them. Choosing another book, a book of poems this time, she read a poem out loud. But it was a sad poem about heart-ache.

She couldn't go on reading.

A strong woman she knew she is, but now she is trying out her real strength, the strength to stand up again and keep going. She's learnt the hard way, the worth of her independence. She learnt her strength and weakness. She befriended her loneliness. She can't let this change. The unsettling feelings has to settle. The unrestfulness has to know a rest, a home, a shore. She knew she can do it. She just needs patience. She needs to eliminate all distractions and focus on building her present. The past is behind and the future is yet to come but the present is here.

A smile can hide a tear, a deep breath can help you collect yourself and push it out of the pit. No one can help you. It lies deep inside, waiting to be explored, the untrodden territories of yourself, of your mind and soul. Connect and communicate with your innerself and grab your strength from there.

Yes, she can, She tried hard to stop the whirlwind of thoughts. Regulating her breath and standing up with a raised head and opened arms as if to embrace her innerself. She wanted it so much. She wanted peace.

It will come to her, she knows.

Peace will engulf her.

She accepted her present, accepted her limits and strengths.

Now she can sleep, so she closed the lights and headed back to bed. Whether she will sleep or not, she had to try it to know.


This is jwoman's thoughts for the day

Simone de Beauvoir versus Anne Dubreuilh: a reflection

She never had a child of her own. But when she embodied herself in Anne, Anne had a girl.

Simone de Beauvoir was the life-long partner of Jean Paul Sartre, but not the only woman in his life. She broke the traditions of her times and defined her life with her own hands, they never got married.

She wrote 'The Mandarins' which critics say represents their post-war situation and life. It puts you in the dilemma of paris and its intellects post-war.

Back to Anne Dubreuilh, said to be Simone herself, in 'The Mandarins', had a daughter. In the mother-daughter relationship, she poured all her fears and nightmares. I think she created this tense relationship where a mother never knew how to love her daughter, how to show genuine maternal care and love, how to break the walls instead of always digging a deeper abyss between them. The daughter always rebelling against any form of love because of an inherent feeling of not-deserving.

I felt that Beauvoir mirrored my fears, or it can be a self-projection of the novel. I, too, am scared to be a reason for ruining the life of another, especially if in good will. So I took the safer of the 2 options. 

Maybe it's selfishness, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue, is altruism in disguise as Ayn Rand puts it in the title of her book 'The virtue of selfishness'.


This is what jwoman has to say for today.

Surprise !!!!

We all love surprises, a birthday surprise party, a surprise gift or a surprise coming back of a traveling cousin. 

I love surprises and I have always wished I ll get a real surprise birthday party without knowing about before hand ;)

In fact, life is so full of different types of surprises, good or bad. However, to me the most intriguing type of surprises is people. 

Some people just surprise you with the best possible surprise, 'trusting you, and seeing through you'. Years may pass with someone in your life but suddenly on a day, a normal routinely day, you just see that someone as someone else.

You discover the real human. We are all human with strengths and weaknesses. We are full of love and indifference, of good and evil. We are so naive to think that everyone is one dimensional, no one is one dimensional. What we all fail to see is that each one of us has a multidimensional self. We can be polite  and gentle  but yet capable of what the stereotype says is bad.

We have to just stop judging one another and accepting our weaknesses as human. What we really differ in is our control over our good or evil dimensions. 

Back to human surprises, the best thing is when someone you know, reminds you of our nature as humans. When someone you know , someone who hides behind a one dimensional poster, breaks it down and shows you the human behind it. The human behind the pose, the human who was afraid to trust and come out.

Then you feel blessed, you feel trusted, you feel surprised the best surprise ever.