On the road

The bus took off. Slowly, it moved through the streets of the busy city. It gained more speed As it reached the suburbs and headed on its way.

The space in the bus wasn't that big. But it was no problem as they enjoyed the enforced closeness. His right arm encircled her waist and rested on her right side. The warmth of their bodies was delicious. They sat silently gazing out of the window. Each deep in thoughts, wandering so far away but yet so alert to the other's presence. This presence was sheer joy after so many years of separation and loneliness.

"How can this moment stay forever? I wish to capture this moment of peace and love and keep it forever in my heart." She tried to breath in each detail and store it in her memory. 

"I am afraid of what may come. I am afraid that worries are spoiling the moment. No, I will enjoy it now and here. Come what may. I won't give a damn now". 

From the window they saw small disjoint water surfaces with the sun rays glittering. She smiled childishly and said, "The sun rays looks like tiny creatures, millions of them, chasing each other and suddenly disappearing at the edge of each little pond to reappear again at the edge of the following as we move." 

He smiled and was more taken by her bright childish laughter than the sun rays. Pressing nearer he placed a quick kiss on her neck and whispered. "You're fascinating".

And silently he thought, "All I can think of now is making love to you all night".

writing nothing or anything

They say I have to write. I have to write daily for an hour. Don't ask me who they are, I won't answer even if you did.

But what must I write. Anything. How is anything writable??!! It is as here I am writing nothing.
How do I know if it is anything anyway? It can be something or another. How can I categorize what is being written now to be nothing.

For sure it is not null, 'cause according to us, programmers, null is no value. And as I can see, I am writing some letters and words so the overall value can never be zero. Maybe it won't sum up to much. But it is something. Isn't it.

So here I am writing something. Trying to give meaning to this something. But what if it has no meaning. It was created to be meaningless. Created to just be. Can we exist  just to exist???

Why do we spend our entire lives looking for a meaning to our existence. The only meaning I know is that we exist. Just like my words here, I had the urge to write them and was advised to do so but truly there is no meaning, no higher goal or aim about them. Just words appearing in a blog.


That's what jwoman has to say for today.

This is not a woman

She is a woman, or so they say.

Born a female.
Loved her beauty, her body, her hair, her feminism.

She never asked

What is a female?
What is a woman?

Days pass and she loses her uterus and ovaries. She,  then, fell into the menopause syndrome so early in her life.

She felt empty inside, void. But yet she kept her image, her pose. 

How did she feel? Did this mean she is no more a woman. She lost her fertility. But did this mean she lost her sexuality, her femininity. No, she's yet the same, the same look and feel. She still persisted on being the flawless female.

Days pass again and cancer took away her breast, her left breast and left her shoulders leftward inclined. She's flawed now.

She stands in her room naked. Looks at her reflection in the mirror. "I am deformed."

It's not the same anymore.
She feels lost. She has lost her identity, her definition.

This time too soon before she could forget. Again, they tell her, they are taking away her other breast. 

The equilibrium will be maintained for her shoulders. No more left inclination, no more.

 How can she accept it. 

Fuck the equilibrium, she held on to her last proof of feminine existence.

Memories came rushing to her head. The pain is all alive in her mind. Touching her short hair, she can see the bald head, the fallen hair.

And she stands there thinking,
                           Who am I now?
                           I am a deformed beast.
                           I lost my identity, my feminity
                           I am not a woman any more
                           I am all empty inside out.

                           I don't care all I want is to live, female or not, I want to live!!!!

                           I don't care all I want is to know for sure the cancer has left what is left of my body.

                           I don't care all I want is to be able to use my arm efficiently. Already the last surgery,          took away life off my left arm. Please O, Lord, how can I live without life in both.

And now she asks,

What is a female?
What is a woman?


That's what jwoman has to say for today,

Me Time and Space

After a long vacation with family and friends, I get back to my little apartment, to my shrine, to my solitude. At that moment, I understand the worth of my Me Time and Space. Vacations are invaluable to recharge our energy, family and friends keeps us in touch with our past, our roots and where we where and how far we have gone. But we  can't stay there all the time. 

Sometimes the noise of company, is our way to drown the nagging emptiness echo of our lives. It is more alluring then the void we face when we're alone. But to grow, we have to face this emptiness and make a difference. 

Progress must be the only fact we live for in life. To proceed and develop we must understand and appreciate Me time and space. Me time and space is the where and when you are by yourself without interference or disturbance. The time and space where you can face yourself, think about it. Evaluate, process and plan. 

We sometimes get lost and lose the sense of direction in our lives. We suddenly get confused. Not knowing how time passes, not sure where we are heading and why we are heading there, we lose focus and motivation. Routine is the only structured and known thing in our lives so we  stick to it aimlessly. We stick to the given routine because it was there, and effortlessly we gained a target, a road to trod, something to do, something to pass our time , our life. 

We are limited creatures, limited time and space. So losing our precious time and space to routine is a piteous thing. 

Whenever we are overwhelmed with aimless routine, whenever we derive our purpose in life from this routine, this is when we are wasting our lives. This is when we have to stop and go find our Me Time and Space. 

We have to hide and face ourselves. Stop this randomness and focus. We need to rejoice in our solitude, our quality time with ourselves where we can dream, think, visualize and plan. Spending time alone, facing the emptiness echo and creating our own original rhythm is the solution. Get out of the crowd, get to your solitude, appreciate yourself and stop losing your precious time and space,

Stop the crap and start afresh. It is never too late!

This is what woman has to say for today.

Choice

It's always a trade-off. Life is a trade-off. Nothing is really , completely perfect in life. We live it aiming at perfection which never happens. Nothing is simple or easy. However, no need to waste your time in misery.

Gabriel García Márquez in his Love in the time of cholera said something about wisdom, and how it  comes to us when it is of no use. And this is true, we learn through experience. Whatever is said to us makes a very small part of our experience. The advice from elders are always pushed aside by the younger version of us.

As we grow up, we always have a need to know, explore, try and experience. This is what shape us, what we go through. Without exploration and discover, we die, not a real physical death but a developmental death, a death due to no progress. We become stale and tasteless.

The old English saying, "A rolling stone gathers no moth" is not true. It is indeed a dangerous saying. We need to go rolling everywhere to accumulate experience and knowledge.

This is what jwoman has to say for today.

INERTIA

inertia

ɪˈnəːʃə/

noun

1. 1.

   a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

   "the bureaucratic inertia of the various tiers of government"

   synonyms:

   inactivity, inaction, inactiveness, inertness, passivity, apathy, accidie,malaise, stagnation, dullness, enervation, sluggishness, lethargy,languor, languidness, listlessness, torpor,  torpidity, idleness,indolence, laziness, sloth, slothfulness; More
2. 2.

   PHYSICS

   a property of matter by which it continues in its existing state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, unless that state is changed by an external force.

   "the power required to overcome friction and the inertia of the moving parts"

Inertia is what makes us stick to our comfort zone, wasting the opportunities to taste the magic of all that is kept unknown to us. 

A tendency to do nothing, to stay where you are. 
A tendency to use circumstance and tradition as the reasons not to develop and progress.
A tendency to waste your life waiting for the opportunities that will come knocking your door, while the opportunities are there waving to you from the window everyday, calling to you to follow but you're too sleepy to move.

A tendency to enlarge all ties we have in life and make it chains that stop us from walking half a meter forward.


This is what jwoman has to say for today.

The Meeting

It was a sunny morning in early January. The sea breeze was so refreshing. The clear sky, the infinite horizon, the happy couples sitting on the rocks not far away, all that made her skin tingle and gave her butterflies in her stomach. She felt excited.

How she missed all this, she thought happily, as she walked with a fast pace on the pavement. She was happy to be home for a long holiday. She was even happier today. She was going to meet him finally. It was a few month since they last met and for just 2 hours. She remember the long talk they had, they always enjoyed talking.

Suddenly, she stopped. She  stood there stunned by the thought that just passed her mind. How did it come up? From where did it come? However, she felt relieved by the thought. A feeling of accomplishment swept through her. "Yes, that's it." was all she heard herself say out loud to herself.

"Hello," he said. "I missed you tons." Absently, she answered, "me too". She was lost in his smile. How she missed him and his quiet, peaceful smile. They meet from time to time 2 or 3 times every 3 or 4 months. They talked occasionally. It's been this way for years now. And she knew it will stay this way for years to come. His company was a relief to her, a door to freedom, to light. The thought was still whirling in her head as she looked at him.

"You're so cute today," She heard him say. It made her smile shine. "You're cute as ever." And they broke into a childish, high pitched laughter together.

The day passed swiftly. They drank coffee, had a long walk in the old streets of their beloved city. They even had a light lunch in a small restaurant by the sea. And now, it was time to part. All day that thought was at the back of her head, peeping from time to time. She thought numerous times to share the thought with him as she shared so much but she never did.

Parting was always the worst part of their meeting day. They kissed and shaked hands. "Will we meet again while you're in town?"
"I am not sure. I have some work to finish. I also have business meetings in the morning", he said with a sad look in his eyes.
"I understand", she tried to smile but it was so fake.
"Will we ever have something more?" she said slowly, looking into his eyes.
"We are more ", he said smilingly.
She smiled back. She knew his answer before he uttered it. They had their times. They had their chance and to be fair they had what many couples never experience in long lasting relationships.

She know that they can't have something else nor can they stop it. They will always wish for more and never have the courage to have anything more. Her stomach fluttered as he waved his goodbye and walked away.