A letter to an unfriend

The saying goes
                     "A friend, in need, is a friend indeed."

But you my friend failed to be a friend, since you left me when I needed you. I was weak. I was lonely. I needed a friend to lean on. I needed a friend to talk to, a friend who will listen without judging, without using my words against me, without blaming.

I don't need to walk the path of life, the same way you do. I don't have to use your methodology and logic. I have a mind of my own, you once praised. But suddenly when it didn't confirm to your thinking, you just escaped. You hide from me.

But you have once accepted me as friend. You have once accepted our differences as assets to our friendship.

Now, I am disappointed. I am sad, heart-broken. I thought you'll stand by me when I needed you. I thought you'll support my decisions just because they were mine. I thought you'll support them, just because I wanted them so much.

Today, I am starting over. I am starting a new page of my life. I once hoped, you'll be there to tell you all my new stories. I hoped I will share with you my life-story as I once did. But the truth is you are no more part of my life. You've gone with the old page. I am really sorry you had to leave with it. But it was your choice, so I have no regrets but I am sad.

I still wonder, how you are doing. I still care for you, care about the little issues, you once told me about and I don't know how you solved them. I still care about my friend. I care about the little and big details. I still think of you from time to time but with pain in my heart. I am sad you left without any goodbyes. I am sad you had to leave.

And now I am writing to you to tell you, you're no more my friend, you are an unfriend.

Good luck my friend.


This is what jwoman feels today

An inside battle for survival

She paced the room up and down continuously for minutes that seemed like days to her. Her breathing was hearable but yet couldn't drown the sounds in her head.

She went into the kitchen, standing in front of  the opened refrigerator door she noisily crunched at a cucumber. She set on the water boiler, brewed some relaxing herbs. All this noise and activities didn't stop the loops of thoughts running infinitely in her head.

Thinking of the past is of no use. It carries nothing but regret. The future is unknown and worry is all you get of contemplating it constantly. But how can she live her present with this aching pain in her heart. She feels void, deprived of life.

She stood before the bookshelves. Her eyes scanning the books, looking for a title that would grasp her attention. Opening a novel she have read before, her eyes run after the letters and words but no sense was made of them. Choosing another book, a book of poems this time, she read a poem out loud. But it was a sad poem about heart-ache.

She couldn't go on reading.

A strong woman she knew she is, but now she is trying out her real strength, the strength to stand up again and keep going. She's learnt the hard way, the worth of her independence. She learnt her strength and weakness. She befriended her loneliness. She can't let this change. The unsettling feelings has to settle. The unrestfulness has to know a rest, a home, a shore. She knew she can do it. She just needs patience. She needs to eliminate all distractions and focus on building her present. The past is behind and the future is yet to come but the present is here.

A smile can hide a tear, a deep breath can help you collect yourself and push it out of the pit. No one can help you. It lies deep inside, waiting to be explored, the untrodden territories of yourself, of your mind and soul. Connect and communicate with your innerself and grab your strength from there.

Yes, she can, She tried hard to stop the whirlwind of thoughts. Regulating her breath and standing up with a raised head and opened arms as if to embrace her innerself. She wanted it so much. She wanted peace.

It will come to her, she knows.

Peace will engulf her.

She accepted her present, accepted her limits and strengths.

Now she can sleep, so she closed the lights and headed back to bed. Whether she will sleep or not, she had to try it to know.


This is jwoman's thoughts for the day

Simone de Beauvoir versus Anne Dubreuilh: a reflection

She never had a child of her own. But when she embodied herself in Anne, Anne had a girl.

Simone de Beauvoir was the life-long partner of Jean Paul Sartre, but not the only woman in his life. She broke the traditions of her times and defined her life with her own hands, they never got married.

She wrote 'The Mandarins' which critics say represents their post-war situation and life. It puts you in the dilemma of paris and its intellects post-war.

Back to Anne Dubreuilh, said to be Simone herself, in 'The Mandarins', had a daughter. In the mother-daughter relationship, she poured all her fears and nightmares. I think she created this tense relationship where a mother never knew how to love her daughter, how to show genuine maternal care and love, how to break the walls instead of always digging a deeper abyss between them. The daughter always rebelling against any form of love because of an inherent feeling of not-deserving.

I felt that Beauvoir mirrored my fears, or it can be a self-projection of the novel. I, too, am scared to be a reason for ruining the life of another, especially if in good will. So I took the safer of the 2 options. 

Maybe it's selfishness, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue, is altruism in disguise as Ayn Rand puts it in the title of her book 'The virtue of selfishness'.


This is what jwoman has to say for today.

Surprise !!!!

We all love surprises, a birthday surprise party, a surprise gift or a surprise coming back of a traveling cousin. 

I love surprises and I have always wished I ll get a real surprise birthday party without knowing about before hand ;)

In fact, life is so full of different types of surprises, good or bad. However, to me the most intriguing type of surprises is people. 

Some people just surprise you with the best possible surprise, 'trusting you, and seeing through you'. Years may pass with someone in your life but suddenly on a day, a normal routinely day, you just see that someone as someone else.

You discover the real human. We are all human with strengths and weaknesses. We are full of love and indifference, of good and evil. We are so naive to think that everyone is one dimensional, no one is one dimensional. What we all fail to see is that each one of us has a multidimensional self. We can be polite  and gentle  but yet capable of what the stereotype says is bad.

We have to just stop judging one another and accepting our weaknesses as human. What we really differ in is our control over our good or evil dimensions. 

Back to human surprises, the best thing is when someone you know, reminds you of our nature as humans. When someone you know , someone who hides behind a one dimensional poster, breaks it down and shows you the human behind it. The human behind the pose, the human who was afraid to trust and come out.

Then you feel blessed, you feel trusted, you feel surprised the best surprise ever.

In the aftermath

It's nearly sunset. Darkness will soon prevail. All is quiet except for the clicking of the mouse and the far away car horns.

He works, the clicking of the mouse and the swift ticks on the keyboard are the only signs of life in the room. He is eyes wide open, gazing steadily at the screen in front of him.

The ticking sound stops. And life stopped for a single part of a second. It was all quiet. He looks around as if just woken up from a trance. Standing up then stretching his body, he approached the opened high window. He stared out, the scene was so quiet at this time of the night. The trees moved silently. He stared out but seemed to see nothing, his thoughts took him in non-ending loops.

Climbing the stairs fast, left her breathless. Yet, she did it again and again. How she hated the 4 floors she had to climb to her little apartment. But she loved it so much. She knew that warmth and coziness that awaits there. It was the only place she can be herself and do what she wants. It was her sanctuary. 

She hurriedly closed the door behind her although no one was after her. Minutes passed as she steadied her breathing, laying on the coach looking at the ceiling. 

She's home but yet still she misses something. She knows she is free here, on her own but still the emptiness can't filled by this kind of freedom. 

The ceiling ,to her, opened and she was lost between the stars going on a long faraway journey.

The story of a 9 month

Love.

Love and appreciation.

Love and gratitude.

Love and hope.

What more can anyone ask for!?

Reading the title some may imagine I'll talk about a pregnancy and child bearing story but no. I am afraid I'll disappoint you, I am not that woman. 

I was pregnant with trust and love of people who put a responsibility on my shoulders, trusted me with what I never knew I could deal with.

The start, I was bored, frustrated, vegetating.  Looking for a chance, a way out, a new break through. I was looking for something to use my energy, use my thinking facilities, my potentials.

The hope, an unplanned call, an unintentional joke brought the ray of light into my life.

Then came the trust that started it all. I was trusted. They trusted me. They took a risk, gambled on me. I was too bored to decline the offer. I took it without much thought, without calculating, without over-thinking that always made you back up.

Suddenly came the silence, the isolation, the chosen aloneness. I was there facing my new responsibilities alone with no tools or stereotypes, trying to make the change, they entrusted me to do.

I tried, I worked , I smiled and faced the obstacles from within me and from the outside. It was hard but  the support and encouragement was non ending. It made me go on.

I went through it all with help, yes. I was lucky, yes. I was loved, yes. And I did it. The journey of the last nine month, showed me a lot about me. I learned that treasures lie within till necessity wakes it up. Each one of us can do double and may be triple what he is doing now without even getting tired or out of breath if he believed he can.

I was lucky, that I had people who trusted me and gave me the chance, and all through the journey stood by me. I am thankful.

I was afraid, I was shy and confused

Then I learned to trust my instincts and my reason 

I faced my daemons and walked through it all

I have to say it, 'I did it' 

This is what jwoman had to say 2 month ago

I hate you

I hear your voice vibrating through the air. The space between us carries it so intimately to my ears. Didn't this damned air know that 'I hate you'. I dream to turn the space between us into vacuum where no sound or light can be transmitted. Maybe this will help me hate you more deliberately.

You say I once before sent you more than a hundred messages on your mobile saying 'I hate you'. Did this really happen or are you exaggerating as ever to make a funny impressive joke?

Do you know that you're turning my life into a joke. 

Do you know that 'I hate you' is the only statement I am thinking of right now!!!

I really hate you.

I do.

This is not an insult, it is an instantaneous feeling that overwhelms me, much too often lately. I live my life no more related to you, no more dependent on you. But sometimes you remember and come back producing a pseudo unreal effect that drives me to try revive the dead, relive a past. This is when 'I hate you.'

This is what jwoman had to say a month ago.