My Readings: She came to stay

Simone de Beauvoir always captures me with her characters and how she draws deep images of them and their actions. The relationship between her and Jean-Paul Sartre is of a unique kind that is worth exploring and understanding. Whether you agree or not with the idea of an open marriage, you will always find the depth and closeness of their relationship fascinating.

They were real partners and very good friends before anything else. Their analytical and curious nature drove them to try the extremes, like the trio relationship that Beauvoir describes in this book, and it leaves you quizzical and wondering about the  essence of relationship.

I do believe in exclusiveness in relationships and to me it is a condition for survival but I find her narration of their relationship with Xaviere and all the stages that they went through with this restless, envious, self-centered being astounding and worth exploring.

Xaviere is a repulsive yet captivating character, you can't predict her next step and find yourself all through the book, angry with her and wanting to argue or fight or even slap her on the face. I was even angry with Pierre and Francoise (Francoise especially) for tolerating her and keeping her in their life. But when I contemplated the situation more deeply, I found that it do happen sometimes, maybe so many times in our lives, that we meet someone that don't look at all similar to what we are used to, and maybe that attracts us to them. We make the mistake of curiosity, of wanting to know more. We forget, always, that "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT". And once we let them in and closer, one thing leads to another and the operation of extracting them out of our lives becomes so difficult and sometimes seems even impossible.

The chapters describing their trio was painful to me. The words and pages were full of mixtures of feeling that people can live and die without experiencing. It's an richening but painful experience to go through. The pain Francoise went through to make peace with the trio, to accept the sharing and yet be continously pushed to the peripheral edge of the relation. She was constantly treated as a shadow and pushed aside away from the centre by Xaviere. I was exasperated by Francoise attitude but I constantly felt a unity with her and an understanding to her almost unacceptable actions and reactions.

"I've won ", Francoise ended chapter eight by saying that.

"I've won", thought Francoise trimphantly. 

Once again she existed alone, with no obstacle at the heart of her own destiny. Confined within her illusory and empty world, Xaviere was now but a futile, living pulsation.

The book keeps you in whirlwind, whether to pity the restless soul Xaviere  or the independent strong woman Francoise or blame whose selfishness or evil nature. In the end, it's the complexity of human nature that is not white or black but all shades of colors that changes with time and circumstances. However, the last chapter of the book surprised me beyond limits, I wasn't anticipating this end and I am still wondering whether I like it or not.

I am still dumbfound with how it ends. But maybe it was what she really wished to do in real life but never got the courage to do so she took her revenge in the book. How painful must this relation have been, to make her feel like killing the woman and ending her misery once and for all.

The book is a journey worth embarking on.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Hitting Bottom

Freefalling through all life events.
Some events push you even deeper, others are like a gush of fresh breeze that blow you up towards the surface, but you never see sunlight, just a glimpse of what might be. Then, you bounce back and dive even deeper.

There comes a time when you get impatient to hit bottom and get over with this waiting. Transitional period kills you more ruthlessly then actual death. You think "The bottom of this pit must be near now. It can't go any deeper."

Maybe, when we hit bottom we can bounce back and get out of this pit, the hopeful you looks for a way out. The restless you looks for a relief, maybe when we hit bottom, we will go into an eternal repose, tranquility.

In the journey to the bottom, the most important thing is to keep your sarcastic spirit and keep smiling at yourself in every reflection you face :).



This is what jWoman has to say today.

Reflections on life

You wake up every morning, prepare breakfast, get dressed, have breakfast, go to work, .......... till it's time to go back to bed.

Do you ask yourself at some point, "What will happen if I stopped and just did nothing?".

I am sure many of us asked this question and even some us had taken it, one step further and executed the idea. I know of people who decided to stop living, when faced with sever disappointment or when losing the meaning of going on. In most cases, it is a symptom of depression and needs psychological treatment.

When I think of it, I sometimes envy them their ability to stay still. I know this is absolute stupidity. However, when life becomes a burden, stupidity is a welcomed solution. But, can a conscious strong, knowing person just decide to stop living and stay still. What should we do when we face this feeling? How can we stay strong when facing the urge to just stop living and live death?

I read books and watch documentaries or movies showing strong people struggling and fighting the misgivings handed to them by life, and winning their selves and creating a new life. These stuff gives you a nice vibe, makes you jump out of your seat and shout at the top of your voice, "If they can, I can". However, they never prepare you for the struggle of getting out of bed each morning. They never prepare you for the struggle of finding your own meaning. A 10 or 20 minutes movie can never really provide you with the strength needed for the years ahead.

That gush of positivity is not enough!!

Then what?

Some days as I walk to work, I suddenly lose all meaning, and I stand there. I couldn't go on, nor could I go back home. The only things, I can do is stand there and move, only my gaze around. I search for outside help but no external help will ever get me out of that. Trying to remember my responsibilities or the people relying on me, won't help. On the contrary, if it helped once, it won't work after a few times and soon I will carry a grudge against those responsibilities or people. This will ruin me more.

At that moment, I am alone in the universe. I am isolated. And facing this fact, I know that I have to search inside me for the strength to move. I need to move even if just to go back home, but I need to move.

And this is when all these books and movies come to use, I remind myself, "I am not alone". There are others there, struggling too and there's a way out. The way out is me, myself. I am doing it for me. I am going on for me, not due to responsibilities, not for anyone else. No, I am doing it for me, because I deserve that.

I deserve to be happy, I love myself.

I keep repeating this in my head till a regain control over my body and can go on, move forward and continue my day.

Sometimes, facing the things we fear most, is so much easier then living with the fear. We may fear the change, the aloneness, the lack of security or the judgement of other people, family or friends. But in the end, it's our lives that is being wasted in fear.

Staying in a wrecked, consuming marriage just because we can't face the fact that we made a wrong choice, or afraid of living alone or maybe afraid of being a single mum, or afraid of financial insecurity, eventually kills the life out of us. We live with the fear of losing, miserably whereas we could have lived happily and accomplished so much more if we just took one step and faced our fears.

This applies to every other thing in life that makes life un-live-able.

To me, fear is my worst enemy. And I have lived with  it for long and wasted precious years. I have made a pledge to myself that I will never let it waste any other minute of my life. I will face my fears and drive the monster away.

I hope that I can help others get rid of their fears. Helping one another, helps us to grow and be happy. Giving to others is the best gift we can give ourselves.

This is what jWoman has to say today.