I am 36

It's my birthday, today. I am 36. Not thrilling really. So now, I m officially in my late thirties. And since I waked up this morning I was trying to thing about what to say to myself today. What's the message I need to send to me, what truth do I need to acknowledge as I step into my 36th year.

I am not really sure. But I'll give it a try with what comes first to my mind.

I think, I'll start with something nice and motivating. I have to pat my back and clap my hands, cheering, 'BRAVO to me.' I have learned how to extend my limits and go beyond my comfort zone. Last year, I have learned to start afresh in a new land and do everything on my own completely. My last couple of years, before that, prepared me for this but reality was even harder but I pushed through. CONGRATS. 👍👍👍👍

I got over the experience of a being broken and learnt the courage to end consuming, hurtful issues, and start over from scratch. Cheers for me !!!!!
✌✌✌

I am working in a field, I knew nothing about a year ago and I am doing OK. So now, I am a researcher in Biomechanics Engineering, HURRAY!!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Now, to the hard stuff, I am still scared of being alone and feeling incomplete on my own. This I need to work on through this year. I am always fighting life not accepting the unchangeable. I still need to work on differentiating between what I can change by more effort and what I need to give in to as the unchangeable. It's my mindset that needs altering to accept what life and people gives the way it is.

I have always thought of myself as an adaptable person but I think I still need to be happy with me and the people I have around me. Disappointment is my worst enemy, I expect a lot, I expect the unexpected and when it doesn't happen I fall a victim to severe disappointment.

To me this is my missions for my 36th year, I will stop expecting and accept the unchangeable.

And
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME

This is what jWoman has to say on her 36th birthday

Closure

She..............

"I need closure. My story with you makes my life unstable. I can't regain my balance as long as I have no closure. I am living in in-between. I am in-between life and death, suspended like a ghost. I'm a ghost with no future haunted by the past and don't see the present."

She breathed a deep breath. It was way beyond midnight and silence envelopped her, the only sound was her typing on her laptop that was halted with the last typed letter.

She reread the email multiple times, and the question of whether to send it or not played in her head.
Why do some people have to be so stubborn and so selfish, she thought. As human beings, we have a tendency to be locked inside ourselves. And from her experience, men tend to be locked in their own self-centered core more than women. By nature, most woman are more aware of other people.

How can she get out of this in-between state in which he cornered her. But, she know deep inside, that she can get herself out. However, the price this time will be so high.

She got up from her desk and walked to the balcony door. Slowly, she opened it. As she stepped outside, the cold night wind made her shiver. But the need to breath was more than the shivers. She tried to breath deeply to calm her nerves and get her heart to stop racing.

A lot of questions were left unanswered. And she was left alone to resolve the conflict and get out of the deadlock. He could save her, a lot, just by saying a word. The arrogant side of him will never let him do that.

She looked to the sky and prayed silently for strength.

After a long moment, she knew what she will do. Getting back inside, she closed the blinds and went back to her desk. The laptop laid there glaring at her; and she just shut it down. Slowly, she breathed deeply again and closed the lights.

"May you grant my heart peace, O'Lord".


He..............

It was 3 am in the morning and he was laying on the sofa, looking blindly at the ceiling. Sleep had been an impossible un-achievable goal for the last few month. How can he sleep, when he knows the pain he is causing the only one whom he truly loves. He knows what to do to make her feel better, to save her from all her pain.

But......But, he cannot do it.

Things are way more complicated and he cannot even justify his actions to her. Silence is his only answer to all her emails and calls. He has to watch her pain from far away in hurtful killing silence.

He knows that all she needs is a closure. She needs to know whether there is still hope or whether it has ended. She needs that to go on. But does he really want her to move on and walk away.

He thought about sending her an email telling her that it was over. This will hurt her but she will get over and proceed in her life. But he couldn't do that.

"I am too selfish to do that". He said out loud. He cannot cut the last thread that still tied them together.

He closed his eyes and prayed silently for patience and strength. He prayed that she be granted the patience to wait longer for him. He prayed she don't give up on them yet.

He sent her a love message through his heart, wishing it will reach her and give her peace.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

It's a new day

It's a new day
Shiny and bright
The rain of last night, is now just shiny little diamonds on the leaves.
Make it a good day.
Be strong. Be good.
It's all within you, it;s all there.
Don't look outside, it all lies inside you,
                                    inside your heart, inside your head.

Get it out.............
      Focus,
      Focus on your inner heart, hear your deep breathing and focus on NOW.
      Focus and smile to your heart.

Love yourself and give yourself a pat on the back, every morning.
You are here now, you've come a long way.

You deserve that, so wake up and shine.

It's a new day.



This is what jWoman has to say today.

The rain and you

Whenever I hear rain falling outside my window, I remember you. I have no explanation to that. What do you and rain have in common? Why is the sound of rain linked to you?

Before I knew you, the sound of rain made me feel anxious yet soothed. Rain had this incomplete shape inside me. I couldn't imagine rain inside my head. It was incomplete. After you entered my life, rain reminds me of you. Rain took your shape. When I hear rain now, your picture comes to my head.

Maybe because, it is sometimes unexpected as you, or cruel when angry just like you too. Maybe because you make me anxious because I can't see my future with me yet soothe me into the calmness of the present. With you, NOW is the only thing I have.

Rain is a gift from heaven to all living organisms. However, there are days when rain becomes a curse, overflowing rivers and dissolving even rocks. So are you to me. You can be the blessing of my life and the next day you can break me into pieces and drown me in my own waters.


This is what jWoman has to say for today.

Life Relativity

I think that right and wrong is a relative thing. Especially, when it comes to your action towards yourself. Some people may disagree with me, saying that they are absolute. They will argue that religion, civilisation, tradition and law had set it absolutely. Yes, when it concerns others. When my action affects others, there is laws that govern that. Absolute known laws tells me I shouldn't hurt others, shouldn't kill or steal from other. In the case where others are concerned, right and wrong is known and universal.

When your actions affects just you, when you are the only party concerned in the equation, then it is all relative. No religion or tradition has the power to control how I think or feel. And in trying to obey it, we, most of the time, suppress our spirit. In this process, we build up aggression and negativity. We become someone else just to fulfil the rules put down by society or provided by our religious leaders or priests. 

I object to the power that people give to tradition or religious figures. My choices in life and decisions concerning how I lead my life is mine alone. Thus, right and wrong, here, is a relative thing that can never be absolute. 

I exist thus, I have the right to choose to be what I want. 

Bringing me to this life, doesn't give my parents the right to choose a life path for me.  I owe them a lot, yes. I love and respect them. But, they can't live my life for me. They took their decisions once. Now, it is my turn. It is my turn to make mistakes, lose and win, be happy and be sad. It's  my turn to be alive, to make my own destiny.

Right and wrong become more of a mindset, a state of mind that develops with times and  experience. We start our life mostly thinking that life is black and white. With time and experience, life takes on more shades, and greyish areas start appearing. As we grow older and older, some of us stick to their greyish-ness and colour-blindness, while others develop rainbows from their greyishness. I, myself, believe in rainbows, in a big spectrum of colours. I believe in the impossible, in miracles, in love. I accept life with sun and rain, with cloud and blue skies. I believe in going on and never stoping, in learning and growing till you die. I believe in accepting time, accepting the effect of time with love. We should all love ourselves so much at each stage of life, wether fair faced or wrinkled.

I believe in relativeness. I am, myself, a relative person. I tried for long to exist absolutely, independently absolute. But failed and learned from my repeated failures that I exist relatively. I can't be an absolute existence. My environment and surrounding defines parts of me. It defines the changeable parts of me, my adaptability and flexibility. And only, a small portion of me stays partially absolute, the core of me, where my values reside. I can't say, they are completely absolute, because as I grew up, they developed and grew with me. But this core is the corner stone of my being, my existence. The core to which I turn to when in crisis, that define my right and wrong. This core is my own religion, my governing laws and values.

This is what jWoman have to say.

Be your own man

The worst thing, a woman, can do to herself is make someone else her priority. She should be a priority to herself. In my opinion, everyone should do that. This does not contradict romance or being in love. This is a protective shield against life blows. In reality, a woman has no one to reliably depend on but herself. If man means security and peace to a woman, then we must be our own men. We must secure a peaceful space for ourselves, a home where warmth and tranquility is found.

Don't wait for a man to bring you that, be your own man.


This is what jWoman have to say for today

The story of us

Spring in October still takes her by surprise. She has been in the new land for more than four decades now and still the colourful spring that suddenly wakes up at the end of the year just before a hot Christmas, amazes her. In her homeland, things were so different. But that was a long time ago. This is her home now, their home.

Fading old memories of home were playing in her head as she arranged the tea cups and cakes on the tray and carried them out into the veranda. She put the tray on the low table and sat down by his side on the bamboo seats. The weather was great and the view was breathtaking. She was so happy that they had finally purchased his small house by the sea. It was a secluded spot on the beach and rarely did people come this way giving them the experience of a private beach.

He touched her back softly as she leaned to pour the hot tea in the cups. His touch still gives her butterflies, even after all those years together. She looked at him with smiles in her twinkling eyes.

'I love the twinkle in your eyes when you smile', he said with a laugh.

'They twinkle just for you and never for anyone else.'

'Oh, you still know what to say to make me breathless, even after more than 30 years together', and he leaned forward to put a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

Sunset on the beach was her favourite time of the day, and he loved to share that moment with her. So they sat on the veranda silently. They have always had this thing of being able to communicate and bond in silence without words. The peace of their togetherness was enough, it was really more than any words can describe. As they sat there enjoying, a young couple in their early twenties appeared walking hand in hand on the sand, their laughter was loud. It reached the senior couple mixed with the sound of waves and pieces of incomprehensible words. It made them smile and look to each other. The younger couple started chasing each other, then the man grabbed the woman in his arms and splashed both of them into the waves as they kissed passionately. It was an amusing and joyful scene for the senior couple.

They locked their eyes with a look full of satisfied love, peaceful sustained love. They kissed and then he said, 'I wish we have meet when we were their age. I would have made you so happy and we wouldn't have had the hard experiences that we had'.

She answered smilingly,

'These hardships made us what we are, without them we won't be here today'.

He took her hand in his and held it to his lips kissing it so tenderly.

'Yes, my sweet jewelz.'

Her face blushed and the smile grew bigger on her face as she heard him call her this intimate name, only he uses.

'You know babe, I have lived with you all these nice experiences. I have spent my twenties and early thirties with you. We have gone to the beach, to movies and theatre, and even travelled. And you have carried me and spun me around like these two young ones are doing now'. And she pointed at the happy young couple on the sand a few yards away from them.

An amused smile shone his face. She always amazed him by her thoughts and ideas and he was waiting for a novel amusing thing now.

'And how is that?'

He said it half knowing what she will say.

'I lived it all with you in my dreams, in my daydreams when we were apart. I relived all my life with you. I experienced every experience with you. This is how I survived being away from you.'

He took her into his arms and their lips were locked in a deep passionate kiss just like the young couple laying on the sand a few yards away.






This is what jWoman have to write for today.