Airport sickness

I have airport sickness.

I feel sick nauseated and a terrible headache attacks me when I sit in an airport lounge or stroll through the shopping areas of an airport.

Airports make me feel small and entrapped, confined in a limited area, confined within myself. In this confined space, my only companion is me. So here I m doomed to face my fears and nightmares, I m doomed to spend my hours with myself.

I always had this fear that there may not be enough oxygen for us to breath in this big box they call the airport.

Love manifests itself in airports. You can see people hugging in farewell, or kissing in excitement or just holding hands in reassurance and support. That's when my aloneness grows way out of proportions and I grow so irrationally lonely and smaller. I shrink into myself.

The worst  part of the trip is arrival to find no one waiting. The process of finding your way out of the waiting crowd wishing someone special was waiting for you there with a smile, makes arrival so much a dream of the impossible, a process doomed to disappointment. And once you arrive you are on your own as ever, trying to figure out the mean of transportation to take and what to do next.

It might not be too dramatic as I bad it sound. Maybe at times I enjoy it all and it gives me an ecstasy or an enjoyable sense of accomplishing and dependence. Maybe yes, but at others I feel so much pathetic self pity.


This what jWoman had to say today
Extracts from the diary of an independent but alone woman.

How do you get over someone you still love?

I tried to give up but failed
I tried to give in and also failed.
My heart is so persistent and my head too stubborn.

"How do you get over someone you still love?"

I don't have an answer to this question. I am still trying every mental game to trick my mind into accepting and going on.

I am not even sure that there is a solution, or an answer. For me, the main problem was that I never had a final closure, no ending. In addition, one question still hung in my personal energy circumference. This question was WHY?

I fought with that question so long. It ate my days and consumed my energy without an end. I started questioning myself, is it my fault? And found myself slowly falling into the pit of self-pity, self-doubt and self-hatred. Things at this point goes south so easily.

I am not a weak woman, I have a good career. Everyone I know likes me, respects me, appreciates my presence and my existence and to some people I make a difference. I reminded myself of that.

I do believe in God, and I saw how He extended his hand to me and supported my back so I don't fall. He sent me people to remind me of my worth. It might sound pathetic to need reassurance from others but truly, that's what you need at this low point of your life, when you feel you are a loser.

Everyone, and I really mean everyone, deserves to be loved and appreciated. I believe in that. However, sometimes, our souls and minds interact with the universe in ways that we don't completely comprehend giving us the things that we think we don't want and taking from us what we think we wholeheartedly desire.

I, also, believe in karma and the rules of the universe, where "What goes around, comes around." Believing in that means to me, that I have to give in to what I can't change and accept to pay price for things I don't understand or acknowledge. It, also, means that I need to give love and forgiveness more.

To forgive is to forget, Jesus taught his disciples to forgive. Can I really forgive him, can I forget the pain? As a weak human, I can't. But I try to do that slowly, gradually. Maybe I will one day reach that point of forgiveness.

It seems my brain is working against me, in that perspective. My memory works so well in bringing him up in every occasion possible, indeed in every moment of my waking hours and unfortunately, my subconscious creates illusions of him in my dreams too.

My very dear friend and my support told me once that I am still holding on to a very fine thread. I am still holding on to the hope of getting back together and that's why I can't get him out of my mind. I know she is right. However, I don't know the technique of letting go. And that's why I am writing this. To me writing had always been a way to better understand myself. It was my method to mend and heal my broken pieces. In the past, it always helped me figure out how I feel, and made me face the reality I was hiding from.

I am dealing with it now as an addiction case where I have to suffer from withdrawal symptoms and pains to get clean. I am detoxing my life of his presence and it is a long painful process. I am not sure of the state I will be in at the end of this tunnel. What are the losses, I will have to endure.

Some researchers say that heartbreak and breaking up can give you pain that your brain perceives as actual pain. Studies even showed that people with heartbreak show similar symptoms to cocaine withdrawal. So facing it and being patient is my only way out, my only way to regain control over my life.

With the help of my friend and her loving family, I can go through this and emerge in a better state. Friends are your life saver during hard times.

Finally, I think to get over someone you still love you should,

• First take the decision and be strict in acting accordingly.
• Use the help and care of your support circle, friends and family.
• Stop playing the role of the victim and face reality. 
• Love yourself, your faults before your virtues.
• Don't live in the drama but live in TODAY, in the NOW.
• Do things you love.
• Don't postpone living your life, don't wait for someone or something to happen in your life.

Just let go and give in to life, let Karma play its role and soon good will come your way.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

My Movies: Frequencies

Frequencies, a most capturing movie you can watch. It asks all the unanswered questions  about humans and the universe.

Do we have free will, do we have imagination? Does the universe really serve our wills or are we complex but predictable machines that work with a certain repeated code and can be manipulated.

Indeed, I think, we are all that combined together with different extents.

It makes your mind goes in whirls trying to make out what you yourselves believe in and questioning it all.

But in the end the question is, "Does it matter? Does it make a difference?" That's what Zak and Marie concluded in the end.

Edit LATER:
After some thought, I feel that the movie was more about the effect and power of love. A friend was telling me that it was the power of the spoken word. But to me, I felt it was the power of love and human empathy, human communication that makes all the difference. It's the passion that drives us to make something comes true.

That's why when in the last scene between the Zak and Marie, they were confronted with the fact that maybe they didn't choose to fall in love and their only answer was 'We don't care' because love was the end that made them happy whatever the means that got them there.

This is what jWoman has to say

My Readings: She came to stay

Simone de Beauvoir always captures me with her characters and how she draws deep images of them and their actions. The relationship between her and Jean-Paul Sartre is of a unique kind that is worth exploring and understanding. Whether you agree or not with the idea of an open marriage, you will always find the depth and closeness of their relationship fascinating.

They were real partners and very good friends before anything else. Their analytical and curious nature drove them to try the extremes, like the trio relationship that Beauvoir describes in this book, and it leaves you quizzical and wondering about the  essence of relationship.

I do believe in exclusiveness in relationships and to me it is a condition for survival but I find her narration of their relationship with Xaviere and all the stages that they went through with this restless, envious, self-centered being astounding and worth exploring.

Xaviere is a repulsive yet captivating character, you can't predict her next step and find yourself all through the book, angry with her and wanting to argue or fight or even slap her on the face. I was even angry with Pierre and Francoise (Francoise especially) for tolerating her and keeping her in their life. But when I contemplated the situation more deeply, I found that it do happen sometimes, maybe so many times in our lives, that we meet someone that don't look at all similar to what we are used to, and maybe that attracts us to them. We make the mistake of curiosity, of wanting to know more. We forget, always, that "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT". And once we let them in and closer, one thing leads to another and the operation of extracting them out of our lives becomes so difficult and sometimes seems even impossible.

The chapters describing their trio was painful to me. The words and pages were full of mixtures of feeling that people can live and die without experiencing. It's an richening but painful experience to go through. The pain Francoise went through to make peace with the trio, to accept the sharing and yet be continously pushed to the peripheral edge of the relation. She was constantly treated as a shadow and pushed aside away from the centre by Xaviere. I was exasperated by Francoise attitude but I constantly felt a unity with her and an understanding to her almost unacceptable actions and reactions.

"I've won ", Francoise ended chapter eight by saying that.

"I've won", thought Francoise trimphantly. 

Once again she existed alone, with no obstacle at the heart of her own destiny. Confined within her illusory and empty world, Xaviere was now but a futile, living pulsation.

The book keeps you in whirlwind, whether to pity the restless soul Xaviere  or the independent strong woman Francoise or blame whose selfishness or evil nature. In the end, it's the complexity of human nature that is not white or black but all shades of colors that changes with time and circumstances. However, the last chapter of the book surprised me beyond limits, I wasn't anticipating this end and I am still wondering whether I like it or not.

I am still dumbfound with how it ends. But maybe it was what she really wished to do in real life but never got the courage to do so she took her revenge in the book. How painful must this relation have been, to make her feel like killing the woman and ending her misery once and for all.

The book is a journey worth embarking on.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Hitting Bottom

Freefalling through all life events.
Some events push you even deeper, others are like a gush of fresh breeze that blow you up towards the surface, but you never see sunlight, just a glimpse of what might be. Then, you bounce back and dive even deeper.

There comes a time when you get impatient to hit bottom and get over with this waiting. Transitional period kills you more ruthlessly then actual death. You think "The bottom of this pit must be near now. It can't go any deeper."

Maybe, when we hit bottom we can bounce back and get out of this pit, the hopeful you looks for a way out. The restless you looks for a relief, maybe when we hit bottom, we will go into an eternal repose, tranquility.

In the journey to the bottom, the most important thing is to keep your sarcastic spirit and keep smiling at yourself in every reflection you face :).



This is what jWoman has to say today.

Reflections on life

You wake up every morning, prepare breakfast, get dressed, have breakfast, go to work, .......... till it's time to go back to bed.

Do you ask yourself at some point, "What will happen if I stopped and just did nothing?".

I am sure many of us asked this question and even some us had taken it, one step further and executed the idea. I know of people who decided to stop living, when faced with sever disappointment or when losing the meaning of going on. In most cases, it is a symptom of depression and needs psychological treatment.

When I think of it, I sometimes envy them their ability to stay still. I know this is absolute stupidity. However, when life becomes a burden, stupidity is a welcomed solution. But, can a conscious strong, knowing person just decide to stop living and stay still. What should we do when we face this feeling? How can we stay strong when facing the urge to just stop living and live death?

I read books and watch documentaries or movies showing strong people struggling and fighting the misgivings handed to them by life, and winning their selves and creating a new life. These stuff gives you a nice vibe, makes you jump out of your seat and shout at the top of your voice, "If they can, I can". However, they never prepare you for the struggle of getting out of bed each morning. They never prepare you for the struggle of finding your own meaning. A 10 or 20 minutes movie can never really provide you with the strength needed for the years ahead.

That gush of positivity is not enough!!

Then what?

Some days as I walk to work, I suddenly lose all meaning, and I stand there. I couldn't go on, nor could I go back home. The only things, I can do is stand there and move, only my gaze around. I search for outside help but no external help will ever get me out of that. Trying to remember my responsibilities or the people relying on me, won't help. On the contrary, if it helped once, it won't work after a few times and soon I will carry a grudge against those responsibilities or people. This will ruin me more.

At that moment, I am alone in the universe. I am isolated. And facing this fact, I know that I have to search inside me for the strength to move. I need to move even if just to go back home, but I need to move.

And this is when all these books and movies come to use, I remind myself, "I am not alone". There are others there, struggling too and there's a way out. The way out is me, myself. I am doing it for me. I am going on for me, not due to responsibilities, not for anyone else. No, I am doing it for me, because I deserve that.

I deserve to be happy, I love myself.

I keep repeating this in my head till a regain control over my body and can go on, move forward and continue my day.

Sometimes, facing the things we fear most, is so much easier then living with the fear. We may fear the change, the aloneness, the lack of security or the judgement of other people, family or friends. But in the end, it's our lives that is being wasted in fear.

Staying in a wrecked, consuming marriage just because we can't face the fact that we made a wrong choice, or afraid of living alone or maybe afraid of being a single mum, or afraid of financial insecurity, eventually kills the life out of us. We live with the fear of losing, miserably whereas we could have lived happily and accomplished so much more if we just took one step and faced our fears.

This applies to every other thing in life that makes life un-live-able.

To me, fear is my worst enemy. And I have lived with  it for long and wasted precious years. I have made a pledge to myself that I will never let it waste any other minute of my life. I will face my fears and drive the monster away.

I hope that I can help others get rid of their fears. Helping one another, helps us to grow and be happy. Giving to others is the best gift we can give ourselves.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

I am 36

It's my birthday, today. I am 36. Not thrilling really. So now, I m officially in my late thirties. And since I waked up this morning I was trying to thing about what to say to myself today. What's the message I need to send to me, what truth do I need to acknowledge as I step into my 36th year.

I am not really sure. But I'll give it a try with what comes first to my mind.

I think, I'll start with something nice and motivating. I have to pat my back and clap my hands, cheering, 'BRAVO to me.' I have learned how to extend my limits and go beyond my comfort zone. Last year, I have learned to start afresh in a new land and do everything on my own completely. My last couple of years, before that, prepared me for this but reality was even harder but I pushed through. CONGRATS. 👍👍👍👍

I got over the experience of a being broken and learnt the courage to end consuming, hurtful issues, and start over from scratch. Cheers for me !!!!!
✌✌✌

I am working in a field, I knew nothing about a year ago and I am doing OK. So now, I am a researcher in Biomechanics Engineering, HURRAY!!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Now, to the hard stuff, I am still scared of being alone and feeling incomplete on my own. This I need to work on through this year. I am always fighting life not accepting the unchangeable. I still need to work on differentiating between what I can change by more effort and what I need to give in to as the unchangeable. It's my mindset that needs altering to accept what life and people gives the way it is.

I have always thought of myself as an adaptable person but I think I still need to be happy with me and the people I have around me. Disappointment is my worst enemy, I expect a lot, I expect the unexpected and when it doesn't happen I fall a victim to severe disappointment.

To me this is my missions for my 36th year, I will stop expecting and accept the unchangeable.

And
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME

This is what jWoman has to say on her 36th birthday