Woman

They say we are equal. They say we live in the age where women had been given all her rights and is treated as a human being, as an equal. But is that true. Is it true in the head of all men? Men are hard-wired to think lowly of women.

Judgemental as they are, men seem to know think they are superior, they know better. Behind the back of woman, when alone or with other male friends over drinks, they talk about woman. They enjoy calling us names.

She is too fat, not good enough
She is too thin, not good enough
She is too curvy, must be a slut
She laughs out too loud, she is a slut
She is too silent, how can her man endure her
She is too flirtous, a slut of course.
She is too independent, she is a slut.
She is too dependent, must stay away from her
...................

And a long list of names and descriptions, names I couldn't write here.

In my desperation

Sometimes, in my deepest desperate moments, I need to find someone to be upset with. I try to find the weakest link, someone to carry all the blame, someone to be the target of all my wrath. Someone who I have constant contact with but yet has nothing to do with my desperation. And that poor person, in my head, becomes my worst opponent, the one I have to deal with but don't want to do that at all.

And days pass by, and my desperation subsides, or atleast, is controlled and I am back to being me. Then, I suddenly realise my error. That person was just a normal human being who had done me no wrong. He was just the weakest link in my social network and I needed a target to blame for my pain.

Fortunately, it all happens in my head. The person only feels I am subdued and avoiding social contact and after some time I am back to normal. I hope those people can forgive me my weakness.

My Readings: The Second Sex

"Why is woman the Other?"

This book has been a constant attraction to me for years now. I wanted to much to read it but was always scared away by its volume and density. I started it more than once but never proceeded beyond the introduction. This time I meant to finish it and I am working on it. It's august 2016. And let's see when will I end it.

The amount of biological knowledge in the first part of Book One is astounding. It should have taken a really huge effort from Simone to get through all this information and form them into a train of thoughts that is really enlightening. She took me through the eternal male-female relation in all living organisms from one-celled organisms to the fully evolved adult human beings, walking past insects, animals, fish, primates, mammals. It was an adventure so enlightening and revealing.

"The two gametes at once transcend and perpetuate themselves when they unite; but in its structure the egg anticipates future needs, it is so constituted as to nourish the life that will wake within it. The sperm, on the contrary, is in no way equipped to provide for the development of the embryo it awakens. On the other hand, the egg cannot provide the change of environment that will stimulate a new outburst of life, whereas the sperm can and does travel. Without the foresight of the egg, the sperm's arrival would be in vain; but without the initiative of the latter, the egg would not fulfil its living potentialities.
We may conclude, then, that the two gametes play a fundamentally identical role; together they create a living being in which both of them are at once lost and transcended. But in the secondary and superficial phenomena upon which fertilisation depends, it is the male element which provides the stimuli needed for evoking new life and it is the female element that enables this new life to be lodged in a stable organism."

This previous extract, from "The Data of Biology" In Book 1, is the beautifully described reproduction process in human beings which shows no dominance of man on woman but a cooperation and harmonious partnership. The female is always enslaved by the species and mostly this is reflected in limitations of her various powers. A woman also suffers from an alienation from her body during the different stages of her life while a man is always one with his body.  However, Simone de Beavoir noted that biology and anatomy alone cannot account for an answer to the question posed by the book.

Next she take us in tour through psychoanalysis. Her main criticism to it is that Freud based his interpretation  always  starting off from the male libido, the male , the sovereignty of the father which he is ignorant as to where the origins of male supremacy.

"To be a woman would mean to be the object, the Other - and the Other nevertheless remains subject in the midst of her resignation. "

More coming soon..........................

In September 2016,

Next, the book digs into the history of humanity, the history of woman in the Human story. The woman moved from a weaker but equal companion into the Mother, the Earth, the sacred Woman and then at some point she turned into man's private property, the insignificant Other. The fear of woman, she carries the truth of life in her, birth and death, she reminds man of his mortality, his limit, his weakness.

These two parts of the book is really intriguing. The myth, the fear and the hope of man in woman. She was feared, degraded, slavered, exploited, but never made equal. Of course, writing this book in the 40's the environment and society and norm was different. I wonder what Simone would think of woman of our age. Woman of this age has gone a long way and gained the liberty and the respect of an equal human to some extent. This extend change from one part of the globe to another. Because till today in some societies women is still looked down as incapable, as the weaker, lesser intelligent of the two sexes. Her biological function still lays as a burden on her shoulder. It seems as if it is her mistake, her problem that she was chosen by nature to be different, to take part in the eternal process of life. But man still takes this as her weakness. I think, this may be due to his fear of that role she plays. I think when man lack courage, lack confidence, lack the guts to face difference, he plays the role of superior and project his inferiority on the other, the woman.

In most of the Arab societies, a woman is still to some extent objectified. An eastern arabic man still sees her as object of desire, a sex tool made just for his satisfaction and his name's continuation.

I think there is a balance, an equality that is so unique. A man and woman can have a balanced and nurturing relationship. But such a balance needed confidence, courage and love.

More coming soon ...........................................................

My Readings: The woman destroyed

Story 1: The age of discretion

A story about growing old, about realizing that you have grown old. The heroine is faced with her age, her life is changing. She is retired, her only son has left her home and turned into a man she is disappointed in. Her husband has grown old too. There will no more be any excitment, any adventure, any new discoveries. Even her body is failing her, because she is no more young.

In her disappointment with her only son, she reminded me of another of Simone's heroines, Anne Dubreuilh in the The Mandarins. It was a great book to read. Both heroines had a disappointment in their children. Both didn't know how to communicate their love, only seeked to control and was disappointed when the mold of their child turned out into another shape, a shape too mediocre for their taste.

This short story is gloomy and sad to read but true. We feel the same but time pass and we are no more the same. It is about growing old, which is my own nightmare. I look to the horizon, every day thinking how will it be when I don't have so much still to achieve. How can take the day as good as it gets. Can I live through this peacefully. At 35, I am afraid of 65. But I think this will help me figure out how to deal with 65. 

If I live to 65, I am preparing for that from now. I want to live a life and enjoy its end. I am not letting myself grow into an old grumbling lady. I will find a peaceful way.

Story II: The monologue

I could really read it thoroughly. I was so distressed trying to get through its pages. It felt like being yelled at. I felt that that woman was shouting at me, fighting with me. No, indeed I felt I was in the mind of a crazy woman who feels she had always been victimized in her life and she feels hopelessly abandoned. I ran through the words, skipped paragraphs and pages just yo reach the end and feel a closure to this fight of a story.

Story III: The woman destroyed

This is a masterpiece. A painful painting of a woman destroyed by fatal love. In my opinion, Simone drew out a picture of all her fears in this short story. She never married the man she loved, because she was afraid she will be destroyed by that marriage. She wanted to keep her independence and keep him free too. She was afraid she will lose him if she captivated him into a marriage. A strange unnatural notion but it worked for them well but won't work for all. 

Monique, in The woman destroyed, lived  an assumed happy life. She believed she was happily married to a man who loved her for twenty years and still does. She believes she is a good mother with happy daughters. She sees the future at forty-five as harmonious and peaceful as can be. Suddenly, everything change. Her life is shattered inside out. Like a crumbling autumn leaf under her feet, her history and future crumpled and shattered into million pieces at her feet. It is painful to hear, see and feel her pain. She mistrusts her judgement and intelligence. She loses all self-confidence. Why all that? Because, she did what Simone is so afraid of, she gave herself totally into that marriage. She took her husband, her marriage, her daughters for granted. She overlooked small details and even her memory of things we are not sure of now after an incident that questioned them.

Maybe Monique was wrong, but the other way around is not the solution too. Maybe there can be marriages that survive forty and fifty years and keep intact. I think this needs to keep up the work and development, to keep questioning and curious about each other. Taking a marriage for granted is the worst thing, because you slip into a make belief. You no more want to see the truth but only the image that most make you comfortable and happy.


That's what jWoman has to say for today.

My Readings: D. H. Lawrence controversial novel in its different versions

Years ago, I read Lady Chatterlwy's lover. I was much younger and a different person, entirely. That book was the third and final edition of the most controversial book ever written by Lawrence. The book was banned from England. Now I am starting to read the second edition of this book, John Thomas and Lady Jane. This book has three versions that give a unique opportunity to study the creative process of the writer and the development of his book idea.

In chapter one, Constance got back to Wragby with her crippled husband Clifford. As years passed by in their isolated home, with their lives falling apart, she became stiff inside and the monotony of life was driving her insane. 

"She would live virgin by disuse. To this also she set her mind and her will. And she almost exulted in it. Almost in cruelty against herself, with smooth rigour she repressed herself and exulted in her barrenness."

Chapter two, her father comes to visit and he tried to get her to go with him on a vacation away from her depressing house. "Your feelings are going paralyses - not only your legs! Instead of living the life of a young healthy woman, you're going paralysed."

Before he left, he talked to Clifford, who he hates. He reminded Clifford of the fact he seems to forget or pretends to forget that Constance was a woman, a healthy woman who he can't satisfy. She a woman with conjugal desires.

Chapter three, Clifford and Constance had a conversation that dissolved their marriage. Clifford didn't realise the effect of his words. Everything to him was so abstract but to her it was the permission to be free. In her mind, her marriage and her commitment to Clifford was making her die slowly but she could not decide to break it. She was under his spell, under his will. His words broke it, opened a door that she never thought about.

Chapter four, Connie meets Parkin again. She meets his mean little daughter and take her for a walk to her grandmother. She hates him, as he seems disrespectful to her. She goes back to his house another time and saw him naked to the waist as he was washing himself. He doesn't see her. This incident vibrated through her senses, waking up her dormant bodily desires. She remembers the beauty of a living body. Late at night, she explores her own body in the mirror. Trying to look for beauty.


Chapter five, the christmas party at Wragby is here. Men has sophisticated looking conversation about life and death and resurrection. To me this is just meaningless non-sense. Men always try to be important and superior by talking of the abstract that they know nothing about. Lady Eva had a late talk with Connie in her room. She encouraged her to get a lover, from the lower class. She was hinting that men of their class had no real depth of feelings. Their men never entered into a woman's inner life, never really gave her anything that stayed.

Chapter six, Connie's health was deteriorating. Her sister, Hilda, come to her help. They get Mrs. Bolton to  nurse Clifford and give Connie some relief of her daily duties. Clifford resents that, hates Connie for giving him up to a stranger. They still have their daily evening reading which Connie resented still. Clifford still say nonsense in an important tone. He needs to feel important and superior.

Chapter seven onwards

I seem not able to describe chapter by chapter but now as my reading gets closer to the end of the book I have been through it all, the whole Connie and Parkin affair. 

The strange start of it, that intimate unbelievable   moment when unthinkable things take place. Parkin taking it as good as it gets. Connie desiring it but still fighting against submission. She wants the man but don't want to see the man or acknowledge him. She thinks a lot about men, Parkin and Clifford. How alive one is while the other is so absurdly dead although he fains an intellectual brilliance but to me his intellect is as solid dead as his insides, as his legs.

Parkin and Connie experience intimacy they both never knew with their spouses. Then Connie leave to France with her sister. 

I sometimes get lost in all the thoughts of Connie about Cliffford and Parkin and other men. The thoughts to me are so not feminine. D. H. Lawrence lost me there. I feel her fight and actions but not her thoughts. He failed me when he added his male intellect thinking this can be female intellect. It makes me real wonder about the differences. I think I like more Simone de Beauvoir's female intellect as she brilliantly showed it in 'the mandarins'. 

Somewhere in the middle of the book I started to hate the book. I felt Connie was more of a man. I had this feeling that D H Lawrence failed in touching the essence of the female in Connie. But by the end of the book, I loved Connie again. 

The eternal female, the fire is there and is feared by those who can't appreciate, feared by coward. She can't be touched except by a real man made of fire like her.

The image drawn throughout the book of living man/woman who were dead inside, intellect that is just robotic with no essence or feeling. Man's blind ego that he can rule forever is really intriguing. 

The sensual deep roots that society and people ignore and sometime taboo is the essence of real men and woman. Only real ones can understand it.

I appreciated the class struggle that was drawn in the book and the fading England people were facing. The higher class had to face the modern society that was growing and soon the two classes will merge and life will change forever.

A nice read

That's what jwoman has to say for today 

A tale as old as time

"Where do I begin to tell the story of how great love can be. The sweet love story that is older than the sea, that sings the truth about the love he brings to me. Where do I start." , Carl Sigman, 1970

"Tale as old as time, true as it can be. Barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly. Just a little change, small to say the least. Both a little scared, neither one prepared ............",  Howard Ashman , 1991.

That strange fire between a man and a woman has been the bewilderment and enchantment of men from all races, religions and ethnics since the start of time. The oldest tale in our cultures is about a man and a woman. Love is the origin of our existence.

An old greek myth, says that man was first made with 2 heads, 4 hands and 4 legs and one big heart. But as he angered the ancient greek gods, he was punished by being split into two human beings, a man and a woman. And it was said that from that day on, each man and each woman born will be in search of his or her lost half. The myth says that man/woman will never know peace till he finds that lost half. And it is when they meet, that the man and the woman will let nothing take them apart again.

"How do I know that I have found my soulmate?", a question disturbing many men and women. Whereas indeed it is so much easier. You don't need a handbook or a checklist with items to fulfil to make sure it is your soulmate or missing half.

No, not at all. When it happens, you will just know.

It is not the quickened heart beat, or the blush. It is not the need to stay near, even if in the shadow of their  dog, as the song goes. No, not just that.

It is not the sexual attraction or the need to touch and kiss or even to make love.

Love is just something else.

It is the peaceful trance that you fall in when together.

It's the wordless understanding. Strange as it may sound, but you will instantaneously, without really studying or getting used to it, understand fully the facial expressions. You'll have this feeling of knowing each other for a life time, ever since you could remember and maybe way beyond that.

Time and space are no barrier anymore. It still gives tremendous pain to be apart but you carry the essence of your significant other in your soul all the way.

It is ecstasy not for your body alone, no. Yes, your bodies bonds on their own with no effort from either of you.  Pleasure just happens, because you instinctively know how to please. It is sheer joy to your soul and mind. Love is when your restless soul finally find a home, a place to rest. And your mind find the respect and appreciation that he needs to pretend no more, or exert an effort anymore to impress. You will be accepted with all your flaws and loved for them.

Love is when you find your place finally in this world.

It's a real pity that some people live and die without experiencing it. Some may settle for something less just because they are afraid of the risk.

Anyway, when you find it, NEVER LET IT GO, whatever the price you'll need to pay.

This was written 29th November 2014

Love and Choice : Where lies our limits?

Love and Choice

We fall in love without choosing to.

However, what takes place after that is our choice, our own choice. These choices are what make up our image. That image is what people create for us in their minds. They judge us and categorize us into good or bad people using this image.

Why do we give a damn??! Simple because we don't live as individuals in reality.

No, we live collectively in a society that dictates our code of ethics, and what's good and what's bad. So we care about how people perceive our choices.

It is a painful process to be on good terms with your social image and keep it that way. This process sometimes causes us to lose our passion for life. We waste all our time doing 'what is right to do'. What about what we want to do, what we enjoy doing, what really makes us happy doing, what we love.

So after we fall in love, we face this dilemma. At the moment that we start getting back to life, after being swept off our feet, we start asking ourselves "What will people say about my love, will my friends accept him, will my parents love her, will......, will..........".  A lot of questions, depending on our status in life and the strength of our relationships with people around us and their effect in our life.

It also depends on our need for reassurance and acceptance. Some of us really need that to keep going, to continue doing their everyday business.

Limited by the code dictated by out societies, eastern or western, love fights to find a way to be accepted, just to survive. What if, our version of real love opposes these codes?

Do we give in, and give up our love, the origin of our existence to lead a lifeless existence ?

or

Do we give up our roots and the codes that keep our equilibrium and make us all similar, (where as we are never similar), to pursue happiness?

When is pursuing our own individual happiness, selfish and immoral?

When is loving truly, deeply, madly, an unethical thing?

When is giving up your love, the right thing to do?

I have no answers.

But I hope I can find them one day.

If anyone has an answer, don't hesitate and share it.

This is what jWoman had in her drafts for over year.