Simone de Beauvoir versus Anne Dubreuilh: a reflection

She never had a child of her own. But when she embodied herself in Anne, Anne had a girl.

Simone de Beauvoir was the life-long partner of Jean Paul Sartre, but not the only woman in his life. She broke the traditions of her times and defined her life with her own hands, they never got married.

She wrote 'The Mandarins' which critics say represents their post-war situation and life. It puts you in the dilemma of paris and its intellects post-war.

Back to Anne Dubreuilh, said to be Simone herself, in 'The Mandarins', had a daughter. In the mother-daughter relationship, she poured all her fears and nightmares. I think she created this tense relationship where a mother never knew how to love her daughter, how to show genuine maternal care and love, how to break the walls instead of always digging a deeper abyss between them. The daughter always rebelling against any form of love because of an inherent feeling of not-deserving.

I felt that Beauvoir mirrored my fears, or it can be a self-projection of the novel. I, too, am scared to be a reason for ruining the life of another, especially if in good will. So I took the safer of the 2 options. 

Maybe it's selfishness, but sometimes selfishness is a virtue, is altruism in disguise as Ayn Rand puts it in the title of her book 'The virtue of selfishness'.


This is what jwoman has to say for today.

Surprise !!!!

We all love surprises, a birthday surprise party, a surprise gift or a surprise coming back of a traveling cousin. 

I love surprises and I have always wished I ll get a real surprise birthday party without knowing about before hand ;)

In fact, life is so full of different types of surprises, good or bad. However, to me the most intriguing type of surprises is people. 

Some people just surprise you with the best possible surprise, 'trusting you, and seeing through you'. Years may pass with someone in your life but suddenly on a day, a normal routinely day, you just see that someone as someone else.

You discover the real human. We are all human with strengths and weaknesses. We are full of love and indifference, of good and evil. We are so naive to think that everyone is one dimensional, no one is one dimensional. What we all fail to see is that each one of us has a multidimensional self. We can be polite  and gentle  but yet capable of what the stereotype says is bad.

We have to just stop judging one another and accepting our weaknesses as human. What we really differ in is our control over our good or evil dimensions. 

Back to human surprises, the best thing is when someone you know, reminds you of our nature as humans. When someone you know , someone who hides behind a one dimensional poster, breaks it down and shows you the human behind it. The human behind the pose, the human who was afraid to trust and come out.

Then you feel blessed, you feel trusted, you feel surprised the best surprise ever.

In the aftermath

It's nearly sunset. Darkness will soon prevail. All is quiet except for the clicking of the mouse and the far away car horns.

He works, the clicking of the mouse and the swift ticks on the keyboard are the only signs of life in the room. He is eyes wide open, gazing steadily at the screen in front of him.

The ticking sound stops. And life stopped for a single part of a second. It was all quiet. He looks around as if just woken up from a trance. Standing up then stretching his body, he approached the opened high window. He stared out, the scene was so quiet at this time of the night. The trees moved silently. He stared out but seemed to see nothing, his thoughts took him in non-ending loops.

Climbing the stairs fast, left her breathless. Yet, she did it again and again. How she hated the 4 floors she had to climb to her little apartment. But she loved it so much. She knew that warmth and coziness that awaits there. It was the only place she can be herself and do what she wants. It was her sanctuary. 

She hurriedly closed the door behind her although no one was after her. Minutes passed as she steadied her breathing, laying on the coach looking at the ceiling. 

She's home but yet still she misses something. She knows she is free here, on her own but still the emptiness can't filled by this kind of freedom. 

The ceiling ,to her, opened and she was lost between the stars going on a long faraway journey.

The story of a 9 month

Love.

Love and appreciation.

Love and gratitude.

Love and hope.

What more can anyone ask for!?

Reading the title some may imagine I'll talk about a pregnancy and child bearing story but no. I am afraid I'll disappoint you, I am not that woman. 

I was pregnant with trust and love of people who put a responsibility on my shoulders, trusted me with what I never knew I could deal with.

The start, I was bored, frustrated, vegetating.  Looking for a chance, a way out, a new break through. I was looking for something to use my energy, use my thinking facilities, my potentials.

The hope, an unplanned call, an unintentional joke brought the ray of light into my life.

Then came the trust that started it all. I was trusted. They trusted me. They took a risk, gambled on me. I was too bored to decline the offer. I took it without much thought, without calculating, without over-thinking that always made you back up.

Suddenly came the silence, the isolation, the chosen aloneness. I was there facing my new responsibilities alone with no tools or stereotypes, trying to make the change, they entrusted me to do.

I tried, I worked , I smiled and faced the obstacles from within me and from the outside. It was hard but  the support and encouragement was non ending. It made me go on.

I went through it all with help, yes. I was lucky, yes. I was loved, yes. And I did it. The journey of the last nine month, showed me a lot about me. I learned that treasures lie within till necessity wakes it up. Each one of us can do double and may be triple what he is doing now without even getting tired or out of breath if he believed he can.

I was lucky, that I had people who trusted me and gave me the chance, and all through the journey stood by me. I am thankful.

I was afraid, I was shy and confused

Then I learned to trust my instincts and my reason 

I faced my daemons and walked through it all

I have to say it, 'I did it' 

This is what jwoman had to say 2 month ago

I hate you

I hear your voice vibrating through the air. The space between us carries it so intimately to my ears. Didn't this damned air know that 'I hate you'. I dream to turn the space between us into vacuum where no sound or light can be transmitted. Maybe this will help me hate you more deliberately.

You say I once before sent you more than a hundred messages on your mobile saying 'I hate you'. Did this really happen or are you exaggerating as ever to make a funny impressive joke?

Do you know that you're turning my life into a joke. 

Do you know that 'I hate you' is the only statement I am thinking of right now!!!

I really hate you.

I do.

This is not an insult, it is an instantaneous feeling that overwhelms me, much too often lately. I live my life no more related to you, no more dependent on you. But sometimes you remember and come back producing a pseudo unreal effect that drives me to try revive the dead, relive a past. This is when 'I hate you.'

This is what jwoman had to say a month ago.

On the road

The bus took off. Slowly, it moved through the streets of the busy city. It gained more speed As it reached the suburbs and headed on its way.

The space in the bus wasn't that big. But it was no problem as they enjoyed the enforced closeness. His right arm encircled her waist and rested on her right side. The warmth of their bodies was delicious. They sat silently gazing out of the window. Each deep in thoughts, wandering so far away but yet so alert to the other's presence. This presence was sheer joy after so many years of separation and loneliness.

"How can this moment stay forever? I wish to capture this moment of peace and love and keep it forever in my heart." She tried to breath in each detail and store it in her memory. 

"I am afraid of what may come. I am afraid that worries are spoiling the moment. No, I will enjoy it now and here. Come what may. I won't give a damn now". 

From the window they saw small disjoint water surfaces with the sun rays glittering. She smiled childishly and said, "The sun rays looks like tiny creatures, millions of them, chasing each other and suddenly disappearing at the edge of each little pond to reappear again at the edge of the following as we move." 

He smiled and was more taken by her bright childish laughter than the sun rays. Pressing nearer he placed a quick kiss on her neck and whispered. "You're fascinating".

And silently he thought, "All I can think of now is making love to you all night".

writing nothing or anything

They say I have to write. I have to write daily for an hour. Don't ask me who they are, I won't answer even if you did.

But what must I write. Anything. How is anything writable??!! It is as here I am writing nothing.
How do I know if it is anything anyway? It can be something or another. How can I categorize what is being written now to be nothing.

For sure it is not null, 'cause according to us, programmers, null is no value. And as I can see, I am writing some letters and words so the overall value can never be zero. Maybe it won't sum up to much. But it is something. Isn't it.

So here I am writing something. Trying to give meaning to this something. But what if it has no meaning. It was created to be meaningless. Created to just be. Can we exist  just to exist???

Why do we spend our entire lives looking for a meaning to our existence. The only meaning I know is that we exist. Just like my words here, I had the urge to write them and was advised to do so but truly there is no meaning, no higher goal or aim about them. Just words appearing in a blog.


That's what jwoman has to say for today.

This is not a woman

She is a woman, or so they say.

Born a female.
Loved her beauty, her body, her hair, her feminism.

She never asked

What is a female?
What is a woman?

Days pass and she loses her uterus and ovaries. She,  then, fell into the menopause syndrome so early in her life.

She felt empty inside, void. But yet she kept her image, her pose. 

How did she feel? Did this mean she is no more a woman. She lost her fertility. But did this mean she lost her sexuality, her femininity. No, she's yet the same, the same look and feel. She still persisted on being the flawless female.

Days pass again and cancer took away her breast, her left breast and left her shoulders leftward inclined. She's flawed now.

She stands in her room naked. Looks at her reflection in the mirror. "I am deformed."

It's not the same anymore.
She feels lost. She has lost her identity, her definition.

This time too soon before she could forget. Again, they tell her, they are taking away her other breast. 

The equilibrium will be maintained for her shoulders. No more left inclination, no more.

 How can she accept it. 

Fuck the equilibrium, she held on to her last proof of feminine existence.

Memories came rushing to her head. The pain is all alive in her mind. Touching her short hair, she can see the bald head, the fallen hair.

And she stands there thinking,
                           Who am I now?
                           I am a deformed beast.
                           I lost my identity, my feminity
                           I am not a woman any more
                           I am all empty inside out.

                           I don't care all I want is to live, female or not, I want to live!!!!

                           I don't care all I want is to know for sure the cancer has left what is left of my body.

                           I don't care all I want is to be able to use my arm efficiently. Already the last surgery,          took away life off my left arm. Please O, Lord, how can I live without life in both.

And now she asks,

What is a female?
What is a woman?


That's what jwoman has to say for today,

Me Time and Space

After a long vacation with family and friends, I get back to my little apartment, to my shrine, to my solitude. At that moment, I understand the worth of my Me Time and Space. Vacations are invaluable to recharge our energy, family and friends keeps us in touch with our past, our roots and where we where and how far we have gone. But we  can't stay there all the time. 

Sometimes the noise of company, is our way to drown the nagging emptiness echo of our lives. It is more alluring then the void we face when we're alone. But to grow, we have to face this emptiness and make a difference. 

Progress must be the only fact we live for in life. To proceed and develop we must understand and appreciate Me time and space. Me time and space is the where and when you are by yourself without interference or disturbance. The time and space where you can face yourself, think about it. Evaluate, process and plan. 

We sometimes get lost and lose the sense of direction in our lives. We suddenly get confused. Not knowing how time passes, not sure where we are heading and why we are heading there, we lose focus and motivation. Routine is the only structured and known thing in our lives so we  stick to it aimlessly. We stick to the given routine because it was there, and effortlessly we gained a target, a road to trod, something to do, something to pass our time , our life. 

We are limited creatures, limited time and space. So losing our precious time and space to routine is a piteous thing. 

Whenever we are overwhelmed with aimless routine, whenever we derive our purpose in life from this routine, this is when we are wasting our lives. This is when we have to stop and go find our Me Time and Space. 

We have to hide and face ourselves. Stop this randomness and focus. We need to rejoice in our solitude, our quality time with ourselves where we can dream, think, visualize and plan. Spending time alone, facing the emptiness echo and creating our own original rhythm is the solution. Get out of the crowd, get to your solitude, appreciate yourself and stop losing your precious time and space,

Stop the crap and start afresh. It is never too late!

This is what woman has to say for today.

Choice

It's always a trade-off. Life is a trade-off. Nothing is really , completely perfect in life. We live it aiming at perfection which never happens. Nothing is simple or easy. However, no need to waste your time in misery.

Gabriel García Márquez in his Love in the time of cholera said something about wisdom, and how it  comes to us when it is of no use. And this is true, we learn through experience. Whatever is said to us makes a very small part of our experience. The advice from elders are always pushed aside by the younger version of us.

As we grow up, we always have a need to know, explore, try and experience. This is what shape us, what we go through. Without exploration and discover, we die, not a real physical death but a developmental death, a death due to no progress. We become stale and tasteless.

The old English saying, "A rolling stone gathers no moth" is not true. It is indeed a dangerous saying. We need to go rolling everywhere to accumulate experience and knowledge.

This is what jwoman has to say for today.