Something that never change

Days, weeks, months and also years had passed. Time passes, things change but there are things that never change. The same applies to her. She has changed, grew quieter, calmer and older but in her heart there is something that never changed and never will.

The turbulence had grew quiet and calm and out of the chaos she created order. Daily life and habits started to form around her. She has a new life now that had nothing in common with what she had before, or maybe just a slight bit of similarity. When she thinks back, it feels as if it was another life on a parallel universe.  However, something inside her is the same. There is a knowledge, a deep awareness of her heart that never changed. Learning to live in the silence of chosen aloneness, helped her learn to quieten the noise of everyday and listen to the silence of her heart.

We all need that moment of silence each and every day. She learnt that the hard way. As she sat down early in the evening, in her comfy PJs, she closed her eyes and looked inward attentively. She listened to the silence of her heart. And he was there, waiting for her to come. He was always there, every evening.

They never shared a word. And who needs words, when the language of our souls is love, unspoken love. She sent him her love and he sent her more and they smiled.

Some nights as she lay in her bed alone, she would wonder where on earth is he, what he is doing at that moment, is it day or night, ............... and a lot more. Then, she reminds herself that all this materialistic details means nothing. She has his love in her heart and that is enough. It was enough for her to know that he existed once in her life and he gave her the most precious gift of all, the gift of love. And love conquers distance, time and everything. Love conquers all.

So she closes her eyes and sleep. She has a life to attend to in the morning. She is hopeful, full of energy, enthusiasm and she knows there is still a lot to achieve. And she looks forward to tomorrow evening when she can feel him again and send him her love.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

Be AWARE what thoughts you create.

There are days more difficult then others. Yesterday was one of those difficult days where you see no light at the end of the tunnel,  because all you are looking towards is backwards. I was immersed in my past, enclosed in it that all I can do was self-pity and victimising myself.

The only thing that got me out was the thought that no-one will help me, I am the only one who can get me out of that. So, I woke up today determined to get active and face life. Live now, live TODAY and go on.

We create our destiny, our life with our choices. I have to chose to live and I have to be aware of what I am choosing and what I am looking for. I can see that God, indeed give me what I really ask for. When I lay on my couch immersed in self-pity and upset with everything and everyone, I am giving out negativity into the world, I am looking for more failures to feed my self-pity and prove to myself and everyone around that I am a victim of life and circumstances. This is the easier path.

But I chose to struggle and get out of bed with a smile, even if it is forced at first. With time, I will smile on my own without willing it. We all need to be aware of ourselves, our thoughts. We are in control of our thoughts, we are not defined by them. On the contrary, we create them and we can change. This is the only way to change our lives and make a difference.

I still feel my aloneness and yearn for human touch and human intimacy but the lack of this don't make me miserable. I am whole on my own. I enjoy the sky, the sun, the moon and the clouds. I can walk alone and be alone. It is in my head where I create this miserable loneliness disease and cry over it.

Today, I woke up determined to cure myself of the disease and I did. I walked alone happily and met friends also happily, knowing that I know how to exist on my own. I am okay with being single, I am not scared of being single for the rest of myself. I am open to possibilities and I am aware that I create my thoughts.

This is what jWoman has to say on this Saturday morning

Am I pathetic?

Sometimes all you can think of is what next?

How can I go on?

I am 37 years old now, and I feel just how I felt when i was an eighteen year old confused teenager, wanting to be loved, looking for something. The main difference is that when I was eighteen, I did not know what I want or what I do not want. All I was looking for was the act of being in love. Now, I know, who I am, partially at least. I know what I can't tolerate and what I yearn for. What I can live with and what I run away from. And that is something accomplished in nineteen years, something better than accomplishing nothing.

But, after turning my life upside down and leaving behind all that was familiar. Leaving my school sweetheart and husband of 7 years, I am now a middle-aged divorcee. And to get that I lost friends, family members and my church membership, just to get my freedom, to regain myself and stop a marriage that was draining my soul and turning me into a desperate depressed person.

I left behind my family, my life-long friends and my job, which I loved dearly. And I left my roots, my country to travel to the other end of the earth, to the new land. I always wonder whether the distance helped me get rid of all ties with my past or indeed just increased my attachment to everything and everyone I left behind. I had hope for a new life, a took with a dream that just turned into a nightmare that I had to struggle to give up. I might have been a naive dreamer that soon had to face reality, tough dry reality.

In the new land, I started everything new, stopped being the boss and turned into a student doing her PhD, a student learning more about life through aloneness and loneliness. I chose my aloneness but was hit with sever loneliness. It is weird how I get used to being on  my own. It is okay most of the time, till I am hit with a severe low episode where I miss human contact, I miss a human touch.

I know it sounds pathetic but there are times when your loneliness hit you so deeply that you wish an empathetic human being will sympathise with you and hold your hand or pat your back and that is all you dream of. Pathetic you!!!!

There are days when I feel I cannot go on, days when I am so scared that I am so close to suffering a panic attack. I am scared of dying alone, of growing old alone, of never knowing intimacy again. Maybe a legitimate fear maybe a pathetic attitude.

But I try to convince myself that the best is yet to come. That I still have a lot to give and a lot to live for. As long as we breath in life, all possibilities are open.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

"I am a false alarm"

Walking through the shopping center, trying to feel a part of it, trying to mix in and not just be an audience. The more I try, the more isolated I become. My loneliness is my only reality. And it hurts, I need support, a hand to pull me out but it is not available.

Life passes, the fake smile fools everyone but the truth is I am not OK!!

I have always preached about strength from within, I have always told others that everything starts in their minds. But it is something else to act accordingly.

Gibran once said: "I am a false alarm.", describing himself when he couldn't be what he preached. So that's what I am today, a false alarm.

It's so difficult to control your actions and reaction, leaving aside controlling your thoughts. It is a learning process, training that need resilience and patience. I might get there one day but I might also die before reaching anywhere near that point. However, I will die trying. Against all odds, I don't fear death but fear loneliness.

Que sera, sera; what will be will be.

This is what jWoman had to say today.

Answering the whys

As we go through our lives, a lot of questions arise threatening our peace of mind. One of the most confusing and most engulfing questions is why things happen. Sometimes, things happen with no obvious reason, and we kill ourselves trying to find the whys? We try to relate everything happening in the universe to ourselves, as if we are the only centre and focus of the universe, forgetting our real relative size to life.

In truth, somethings happen because of reasons that has nothing to do with us but we just coincidentally were in the field of effect of the universal event. We were in the place and time to be affected, and not that the universe and everyone are conspiring against us.

Indeed, the only control we have is our reaction. How we take the events in and how we react to it, is the only thing that we choose. This is what puts us again and again in the field of effect of those events that hurt us. We fall in the questioning loop and weaken ourselves, making us prone again and again to being hurt.

Our only hope out of this is to break that loop, stop questioning, cease trying to answer the whys. What we need to do is just give in to reality with an open heart. Giving in is a very difficult process, easier said then done. But, to break the circle of unfortunate events, we need to forgive ourselves that we failed to find the answer, to forgive those who caused the pain knowingly or unknowingly.

Forgiveness and giving in is our way to saving ourselves and living a satisfying life.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

My Readings: I am OK - You're OK By Thomas A. Harris

 I am OK - You're OK By Thomas A. Harris

This is a very very very important book to read. I recommend everyone to read. It's important for us to understand why do the things we do and how we turn out the way we are. It also helps parents understand their children behavior and how to interact with children of different ages. The beauty of Transactional Analysis (the main subject of the book) is that it is easy to understand and very efficient in my humble opinion.

Transactional Analysis was originated by Eric Berne in his "Games People Play", which is now on my Want-to-Read List.  Following is a quote:

"The unit of social intercourse is called a transaction. If two or more people encounter each other ..... sooner or later one of them will speak, or give some other indication of acknowledging the presence of the others. This is called transactional stimulus. Another person will then say or do something which is in some way related to the stimulus, and that is called the transactional response."

Thomas Harris defined Transactional Analysis (TA) in the book as follows:

"Transactional Analysis is the method of examining this one transaction wherein 'I do something to you and you do something back' and determining which part of the multiple-natured (Parent-Adult-Child)  individual is 'coming on'. "

According to TA, each one of us is made up of Parent-Adult-Child (P-A-C). The Parent is a collection of recordings we store during our early years, roughly our first five years. It makes ups all external events we witnessed where our parents or parents substitutes acted. It creates the rules that we prohibit our lives with, our morality whether they were good or bad.

The Child are another set of recordings that we store from our early years, however that represent our inner experience, how we response or feel towards our life events . 

The Adult is our thought process, our microprocessor that processes the stored information and compare it to the reality we live in. 

It's the data stored in each element of us and the relationship between these elements that makes us who we are and affects how we lead our lives and interact with others.

The book discusses how illness and disorders can be developed due to malfunctioning elements of our P-A-C. 

What's really interesting is that it can be easily taught to children and teens to help them through the instabilities and hardship of growing up.

The last few chapters is very captivating as the book dicusses morality, religion and society in terms of P-A-C and how collectively P-A-C afters nations.

Reading our past and coming into terms with it is important as much as accepting our responsibility of the NOW. TA helps us do that.

I recommend the book to everyone, read more here.

The Sound of Silence

It is the loudest of all sounds, silence. Silence is where you hear all the unheard sounds. You can listen to your soul, your spirit. you can finally listen to you. Silence is the shore in which every human being should set an anchor every now and then. It's our home, our refuge.

Life beats the hell out of us everyday, every minute, every second. We lose our connection to who we really are, in the midst of the everyday. We run, trying to catch a bus or train. We run trying to seize an opportunity, run trying to be and prove we can be.

RUN, RUN, RUN,.........

We lose our essence, our reason to go on gets duller and duller everyday until we realise we need to get back.  We grow restless, looking for something we can't define, or express. We need to sit alone. We need to remember who we are and love ourselves back. No one can love love you as much as you can. And you deserve that love. Whoever, you are, you deserve to be loved by you. No one can help you through this earthing process. You need to do it on your own. You need to learn to return to your base, your core, yourself whenever you feel lost, on your own.

Just sit in silence and listen. Listen to yourself. Return to your foundation, your base.

People who are scared of silence or scared to be alone, on their own are sick. Not physically sick, but in their inner self. Their souls are ill and need care. They act as if they're just too busy, or that being alone is a waste since they have a lot of fun doing things elsewhere. Indeed, they are scared but won't admit it, even to theirselves. They don't even give themselves time to think about it. They just keep busy all their lives. They are indeed, scared of themselves as a child can get so scared of an imaginary monster that never he never so, yet so convinced that it existed.

There's nothing more peaceful that talking to yourself in silence. Time spent alone in stillness or even meditation can be a lifesaver. Just give yourself time to face and digest everything. Listen to what you have to say, process the accumulated data inside you without biases, without haste. See things for what they are not what you thought they are. We all need these moments of frankness with ourselves, we need these revelations.

In silence, in our private chosen aloneness, we accept who we are, we learn to live, enjoy and go on.


This is what jWoman has to say for today.