Sometimes all you can think of is what next?
How can I go on?
I am 37 years old now, and I feel just how I felt when i was an eighteen year old confused teenager, wanting to be loved, looking for something. The main difference is that when I was eighteen, I did not know what I want or what I do not want. All I was looking for was the act of being in love. Now, I know, who I am, partially at least. I know what I can't tolerate and what I yearn for. What I can live with and what I run away from. And that is something accomplished in nineteen years, something better than accomplishing nothing.
But, after turning my life upside down and leaving behind all that was familiar. Leaving my school sweetheart and husband of 7 years, I am now a middle-aged divorcee. And to get that I lost friends, family members and my church membership, just to get my freedom, to regain myself and stop a marriage that was draining my soul and turning me into a desperate depressed person.
I left behind my family, my life-long friends and my job, which I loved dearly. And I left my roots, my country to travel to the other end of the earth, to the new land. I always wonder whether the distance helped me get rid of all ties with my past or indeed just increased my attachment to everything and everyone I left behind. I had hope for a new life, a took with a dream that just turned into a nightmare that I had to struggle to give up. I might have been a naive dreamer that soon had to face reality, tough dry reality.
In the new land, I started everything new, stopped being the boss and turned into a student doing her PhD, a student learning more about life through aloneness and loneliness. I chose my aloneness but was hit with sever loneliness. It is weird how I get used to being on my own. It is okay most of the time, till I am hit with a severe low episode where I miss human contact, I miss a human touch.
I know it sounds pathetic but there are times when your loneliness hit you so deeply that you wish an empathetic human being will sympathise with you and hold your hand or pat your back and that is all you dream of. Pathetic you!!!!
There are days when I feel I cannot go on, days when I am so scared that I am so close to suffering a panic attack. I am scared of dying alone, of growing old alone, of never knowing intimacy again. Maybe a legitimate fear maybe a pathetic attitude.
But I try to convince myself that the best is yet to come. That I still have a lot to give and a lot to live for. As long as we breath in life, all possibilities are open.
This is what jWoman has to say today.
How can I go on?
I am 37 years old now, and I feel just how I felt when i was an eighteen year old confused teenager, wanting to be loved, looking for something. The main difference is that when I was eighteen, I did not know what I want or what I do not want. All I was looking for was the act of being in love. Now, I know, who I am, partially at least. I know what I can't tolerate and what I yearn for. What I can live with and what I run away from. And that is something accomplished in nineteen years, something better than accomplishing nothing.
But, after turning my life upside down and leaving behind all that was familiar. Leaving my school sweetheart and husband of 7 years, I am now a middle-aged divorcee. And to get that I lost friends, family members and my church membership, just to get my freedom, to regain myself and stop a marriage that was draining my soul and turning me into a desperate depressed person.
I left behind my family, my life-long friends and my job, which I loved dearly. And I left my roots, my country to travel to the other end of the earth, to the new land. I always wonder whether the distance helped me get rid of all ties with my past or indeed just increased my attachment to everything and everyone I left behind. I had hope for a new life, a took with a dream that just turned into a nightmare that I had to struggle to give up. I might have been a naive dreamer that soon had to face reality, tough dry reality.
In the new land, I started everything new, stopped being the boss and turned into a student doing her PhD, a student learning more about life through aloneness and loneliness. I chose my aloneness but was hit with sever loneliness. It is weird how I get used to being on my own. It is okay most of the time, till I am hit with a severe low episode where I miss human contact, I miss a human touch.
I know it sounds pathetic but there are times when your loneliness hit you so deeply that you wish an empathetic human being will sympathise with you and hold your hand or pat your back and that is all you dream of. Pathetic you!!!!
There are days when I feel I cannot go on, days when I am so scared that I am so close to suffering a panic attack. I am scared of dying alone, of growing old alone, of never knowing intimacy again. Maybe a legitimate fear maybe a pathetic attitude.
But I try to convince myself that the best is yet to come. That I still have a lot to give and a lot to live for. As long as we breath in life, all possibilities are open.
This is what jWoman has to say today.
No comments:
Post a Comment