The n-dimensionality of life: reading the Alexandria Quartet

 I first read the Alexandria quartet, years ago, many years ago, maybe during school or university. Honestly I am not sure when, and indeed I don't think I read all the 4 books. What I am sure of is that i read the first half of Justine and I think I never finished it.

Years later, I am hear again picking up the book and starting from the start. I am now mid-way through the third book and I have to stop to breathe. Durell is just fascinating, he has blown my head up.

Finishing "Justine" (Book 1), I was breathless filled with emotions of rage and sympathy. Images of my cosmopolitan city with the layers of different people walking her streets and creating a portrait that was so full on for anyone to take in. But reading Justine left me missing something, I felt I was imprisoned in a 1-D cell, that is the narrators view of things, his experiences with bits and pieces that were not enough to me.

Then came "Balthazar" (Book 2), to add in multiple more dimensions, and seeing that even while we think we know it all and we are the heroes of our own stories, this is not wholly true. In the unfathomable depth and abstraction of human relationship, nothing is simple or 1-D. Every character know has more to give, more to fascinate my mind and pop up even more questions. We can see the bewilderment that Balthazar comments brings on the narrator who has banished himself to a far away island after the disappearance of Justin and the death of Melissa. All the known facts of his life are rattled by comments interlinear by Balthazar into his manuscript, into his history, into his life story. 

"Mountolive" (Book 3) came as a surprise, the narrator is no where to be found, and we finally have a name for him "Darley". He is described as "a good fellow, gentle and resigned, with a shyness that goes with great emotions imperfectly kept under control". And suddenly our narrative is insignificant and has no effect on events, he is no more the center of the universe.

I remember the event (Book 1 or 2) when Justine faces here harasser, for whom she carries such anger and pain that seemed to possess her and her life for years, and suddenly he do not even remember the event. It has slipped from is memory as insignificant, while the event consumed her and so many other people around her for years. How invested can a person be in an aspect of life where he has the illusion that other people are sharing the emotion and being consumed in it while the truth is in another story we are just as insignificant as Darley is in Mountolive's story.

I still have a bit og Mountolive and the whole book of Clea.

This is what jWoman has to say for now.

I want peace. What do you want?

What is your plan? Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Where do you see yourself?

What if I have no answer to these questions?
Does this means I am a loser?! Am I a failure then?
I am not retiring and I am still passionate but I don't have a 5 year plan.

I do not want to compete with anyone, nor have an eye on a post or name tag I an yearning to achieve. All I look for is peace and a fulfilling job. Is this wrong?

They say it is wrong. HR won't accept this, an interviewer won't accept this and a big boss won't too. My question is why?

But wait here, what I just said does not mean that I will accept to be trodden on or exploited or wrongly treated.

I enjoy doing my job well, want to be appreciated and can efficiently lead, as much as I am an effective team player.
I enjoy helping others, being of use, teaching and mentoring people to find their way and their voice.

I want to take life as it comes in peace. What do you want, my friend?



This is what jWoman has to say today.

The aftermath of COVID-19

We are stil in the amidst of this pandemic but everyone is thinking what next? How will we emerge from this pandemic. What will be the norm after this period of lockdown and isolation?

Media all over the world is trying to promote the idea of coming together. Everywhere you see or hear an ad, explaining to you how closer communities are. But the question is, is this true?

Did COVID-19 bring us together or had it thrown as further apart?..............................

In my everyday life, I hear and even witness increased discrimination against people with Asian features. A doctor from melbourne was on the news a few weeks ago, telling about how he was called names in the street, just because he was Chinese.

And in different places such as UK, Australia, Egypt, Japan and all over the world, nurses and medical staff are harassed, prevented from entering the buildings where they lived, becuase other residnece where scared the nurses will bring with them infection into theit homes. Governments evern asked them not to wear scrubs outside hospitals so as not to be identified.
Domestic violence is on the rise everywhere in the world. Domestic violence against women is increasing, women who hide from abusive partners by going to work or doing other activities are no more able to do it. On the other hand, abusive partners have no pubs or clubs to vent their anger and frustration but on their partners with whom they locked up under the same roof.

Media only showed us people clapping and waving towards medical staff, and people smiling at each other, and families happily spending time at home.

So where next?
Once countries start to ease up restrictions, and people are allowed to go out and about. How will our social behaviour change?
Can we trust a fellow human on the street any more?
Can we get back close together? or was it an unnecessary behaviour that we grew accoustomed to and it is time to change?

I have no answers but we will have to wait and see......


This is what jWoman has to say

A time of Covid-19

A time of Covid-19

It is the strangest of times. It is the time of self-isolation, and a time of connecting. It is a time of fear and a time of faith with church doors closed. It is a time for staying home and even a time for work from home. People walking alone, friends saying hi through cameras and microphones. Singles are more single then they ever has been and families are closer then ever before. Schools kept empty, roads with no cars, shops with closed doors and priests praying alone with no congregation. What a world 2020 brought on us, an extreme world

It is Easter (Orthodox Easter), but feels nothing like Easter. No church services, no gathering family members for a long delicious Easter dinner and lunch, no chocolate exchange and easter bunny hunt.

Nature is blooming while humans are locked down in their homes. Wild animals are seen in once-crowded-now-empty city centres. These are the times we are living in now. 

The world governments in chaos, some are throwing blame, others begging for help and some bickering at their own politics. 

And so we live in a different world, on a different earth and having faith that we might at some point get back  a part of what we used to call normal life.

Stay safe my friends and have a great Orthodox Easter.

Inspired from first paragraph of Dicken’s A Tale of two cities.

jWoman in the time of Covid-19 

A story of a strong independent woman

I am a feminist and I call myself "a strong independent woman" and many people who ever dealt with me, I think, would describe me as strong and independent.

But still there are days when I am tired of being that solo strong independent woman who has an everlasting smile on her face.

On the days where the burdens of life are too much on my shoulder, I would imagine that scene from "Up close and Personnal", starring Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer, where she feel so depressed and lost at her work and sitting alone late in her office and there he appears out of the blue. He is just there without being asked or begged to come. He knew she was lost and needed him to be there. All she needed was that beautiful embrace he enveloped her in when he say her.

I would imagine him come into the room and hugging me and whispering in my ear, "Everything will be fine."

But the truth is, I find myself standing up from my desk, looking around the empty room, patting myself on the shoulder and saying to myself aloud, "It is gonna be all fine, you can do it. The best is yet to come."

And in this story, I am both Sally and Warren, both in one. And I think this is the story of every strong independent woman facing this world alone.

Enjoy the song,
Because you loved me (one of my Favs)


This is what jWoman has to say.

The power of our minds

Our minds are very power tools, on which we have full control and full access. As powerful as it is , it can be fatal too. As we get swept away with life and all it's details and demands. The demands of the modern life, we are living and always thriving to achieve, engulfs as and overwhelms us that we lose the control over our minds. Then, our emotions controls us and devils are let lose. We are lost in the realms of contradicting emotions, of vindictive emotions, competing to take control of us and leading us to the edge, pushing us to jump off the cliff, because the pain is too much; and life is an unbearable burden.

We can feel pain, real physical pain that is only created by the chaos happening between our minds and emotions. And it is one of the worst types. You never know from where it originates or how to stop it.

No one can help you back, no one can heal you. It is your job and your responsibility.

I am still investigating the ways to get back control, and cure the non-ending pain. Any one knows how?


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Letting go.

They say life is not fair, or others say life is difficult. Well, as for me, I do not know who those or those really are. But I believe it is a wrong life concept, according to which anyone  could live.
Life is all an image you create in your head, or so the new naturalist scientists say. Can it really be all in my head I am not sure. I am still investigating this.

But apart from all this, our experiences and life path shapes how we perceive life to a huge extent. And sometimes we become prisoners of our past, addicted to our comfort zone. To the extent that any newness is posed as a life-threatening issue, that causes us a lot of anxiety.

I have been holding on to my past, to a past with which I identify myself. Just thinking of cutting ties with it caused me a lot of anxiety and fear. The question, "Who am I, if I am not that?" was not really consciously asked but thinking of it now, I doubt that it was continuously posed unconsciously. I was scared of losing who I thought I am.

But the real question we must all ask ourselves is "Why do we need something to identify ourselves?". Why do I need a job title, a social title, an adjective or a noun accompanying my name to be me. The truth is I will still be me, even without anything attached. The essence is inside me not outside me.

And we must all learn to see ourselves stripped out of all adjectives and nouns, just our real being with nothing decorating it, because it is just so beautiful and bright on its own.

I am letting go and embracing the me.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

A lesson learnt from a poor little mouse or two !!

Hey there,

It is jWoman again,
Yesterday and today were pretty eventful to me. They were indeed pivotal days in my life ( a friend told me so too.). In these two days, I was forced to face one of my worst fears and overcome the paralysing effect of fear. I learnt to act because I had no other thing to do but act. When I tell you, my dear readers (if there is anyone reading my blog 😉), you might thing that it is a trivial thing. But, living inside my body and being controlled by my brain it is not. So I will try to make you walk in my shoes, hoping you may be courteous enough to hear me out.

Yesterday, I had two encounters with mice (two mice, to be specific). It is not yet the season of mice around this part of the year, but I think with all the bush fires, smoke and continuous hot/cold weather, things are changing and mice decided to come after me 😆.

In the morning, I went to the office as usual. I was a bit early so no one was there, plus this is the time of year when most people take their breaks (summer break). I was planning on having a quiet day (As I predicted no one will be around in my working area) to finish some reading and get some work accomplished. I was making my coffee in the little kitchenette, when I decided it was getting too warm and I need to open the AC. We have a split unit, which is located just behind my chair. So, I pressed the button and was on my way to continue making my coffee when I heard a clicking noise that was not normal, coming out of the AC as it was trying to open it's shutters. And I looked around to see a small mouse falling out of the opening shutters.

😵😲😲😲😲😖😖😖😮😮😮😮😮😲😲😲
I screamed and was frozen in my spot for a few minutes. Yes, this is my worst nightmare. I cannot deal with these small disgusting living creatures. I can deal with difficulties with insects and spiders. But mice, are warm, heart beating beings, which are also so disgusting. It took me some minutes, to convince myself to move and approach my desk, to find the poor thing laying there next to the wall. It was dead or so I thought.

I couldn't convince myself to go nearer or try and remove it. Astonishingly, I pitied it and it looked so cute and small, soooooo small. But no I cannot. I was alone, no one to help and I could not do it. So I just took my things and tried to work on another empty desk. I peeked at the little thing every now and then, tried to concentrate to no end. It was useless, to stay but ...... no I won't let that little dead thing ruin my day. I insisted on staying and working.

And at one instance, I extended my neck to have a peek of the little dead thing and it was not there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must haven't been dead. It must have just been unconscious or maybe sleeping !!!! And it is not there anymore. Where is it I do not know. It is gone under one of the cupboards. The strange thing is I was relieved, I didn't have to kill it or remove it. I just need to make sure it didnot come out to me again. So I had to produced noise to scare it and that what I did. I opened my browser and played some songs from YouTube and just continued my day. All the time just making noise, to ensure my sanity 😆.

I was spared this time from facing my fear, but not for long. In the evening, as I was just going to close up for the night. I heard a loud sound coming from the other side of the house, the side where the bathroom and the backyard. Also, living in my body and brain would mean that I was completely paralyzed by fear, my heart rate just hit the rooftop, and I could feel my pulse on the side of my neck.......

I feel it is too long for you guys, but I have to tell you the whole story.

And yes it was a mouse just fell into my bath tub and was struggling to get out. And for the second time in the same day, I am faced with that little creature.

Why me? Why again today? I could not stop thinking about that. And this time, inside my place and it is after midnight.

All, I could do was close the bathroom door, make sure to block the small space under the door with clothes and stand there behind the closed door and think. eventually, I got some mice poison and threw it into the tub from the door without setting one foot inside, and on my mothers advice I got some insecticide and also sprayed at the poor thing from the doorway, which meant that the insecticide hardly reached him, but I couldn't step inside.


And I spent the night thinking of that creature there and my fear. Why did it happen twice on the same day? Why was life so persistent to make me face this situation. I am kinda spiritual and felt there was something more to the situation.

I need to stop running and face the music but I was still scared.

I will spare you all the details of what happened next, is that I had to face it in the morning and remove it myself. I tried to escape by calling a friend or looking for help on AirTasker but eventually I found that I have to do it myself. And I did, my feet were shivering and heart was thumping but I moved the dead things and cleaned the whole space.

The funny thing was I went to work to find the other mouse trapped in a mice trap and dead too. But NOOOOO, I didn't do it again, thanks God, a colleague was around and removed it.

After two eventful, stressful days I had to think about it all. And I questioned myself, why did that happen and what does it mean.

Looking into the spiritual symbolism of mice, I found that it is a symbol asking you to look at what is right of your eyes and then take action accordingly. It might also be reminding you not to neglect the trivial but necessary things in life. That is to say focusing on one aspect of life and missing other opportunities that surround you. It could also be warning you that you are trying to do too many things at the same time.

I don't know yet which was meant for me, but what I am sure of is that this morning, life again showed me never say never. Life should me that there are still things that I can do which I thought I would never do. You never know how resilient and strong you can be unless you have no other way but be. And again I remember what I once wrote a few years ago, about the facing our demons, yes I needed to face my demon, which I hid in a closet for so long. And when I faced it, it turned out to be nothing. There is nothing to fear from a little dead mouse, I had face it and deal with it to know that.

But I still hope never to face that again.


This is what jWoman learnt today.

2020 Resolutions

It is 2020. And, I know it is hard to believe that. I remember when we sat and discussed our predictions of how 2020 will look like. Predictions about flying cars, self-driving cars, humanoids and much more. Maybe some parts have been reached and other not. But the real deal is all the changes in countries around the world that took place during the last decade.

Enough about everything else, this blog is about my resolution for 2020. I have decided to make it my year. I have decided to stand straight, taking my full space and becoming the full original me.

It is weird how a very small incident can reveal a lot to you, a very small thing leads you to a big AHA moment, as Oprah calls it. And that moment was looking at a photo of me, I asked my friend to take a shoot of me as we were attending a Christmas Carols in a park on Christmas eve.  Then looking at that photo a day later it hit me, I was trying to shrink myself, to take less space. That was indeed how I was acting in all aspects of my life. Always hiding my full length of character as well as physically. I was used to dress in a certain way to ensure I don't make any one uncomfortable, especially small-charactered envious females. One time I had a female close friend, who turned against me for no reason soon after that, with whom I always tried to not over dress, put make up, or even have a stylish hair form just not to over shadow her. And thinking more about it, I tried to hide some of my thoughts and ideas with her to keep her from feeling threatened. I was so stupid, looking just for affirmation. I would do anything to be accepted, even if that meant never being myself.

And from now on, I do not want to live like this. I will not again shrink myself, to get accepted. This is my resolution for 2020.  I want to be me, the full breadth and width of me.

Every morning, I will look into my mirror, and fall in love all over again with myself with all my flaws and beauty. I will accept me, inspite of everyonee and everything that is working against me.


This is what jWoman has to say for today.