I am 36

It's my birthday, today. I am 36. Not thrilling really. So now, I m officially in my late thirties. And since I waked up this morning I was trying to thing about what to say to myself today. What's the message I need to send to me, what truth do I need to acknowledge as I step into my 36th year.

I am not really sure. But I'll give it a try with what comes first to my mind.

I think, I'll start with something nice and motivating. I have to pat my back and clap my hands, cheering, 'BRAVO to me.' I have learned how to extend my limits and go beyond my comfort zone. Last year, I have learned to start afresh in a new land and do everything on my own completely. My last couple of years, before that, prepared me for this but reality was even harder but I pushed through. CONGRATS. 👍👍👍👍

I got over the experience of a being broken and learnt the courage to end consuming, hurtful issues, and start over from scratch. Cheers for me !!!!!
✌✌✌

I am working in a field, I knew nothing about a year ago and I am doing OK. So now, I am a researcher in Biomechanics Engineering, HURRAY!!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Now, to the hard stuff, I am still scared of being alone and feeling incomplete on my own. This I need to work on through this year. I am always fighting life not accepting the unchangeable. I still need to work on differentiating between what I can change by more effort and what I need to give in to as the unchangeable. It's my mindset that needs altering to accept what life and people gives the way it is.

I have always thought of myself as an adaptable person but I think I still need to be happy with me and the people I have around me. Disappointment is my worst enemy, I expect a lot, I expect the unexpected and when it doesn't happen I fall a victim to severe disappointment.

To me this is my missions for my 36th year, I will stop expecting and accept the unchangeable.

And
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME

This is what jWoman has to say on her 36th birthday

Closure

She..............

"I need closure. My story with you makes my life unstable. I can't regain my balance as long as I have no closure. I am living in in-between. I am in-between life and death, suspended like a ghost. I'm a ghost with no future haunted by the past and don't see the present."

She breathed a deep breath. It was way beyond midnight and silence envelopped her, the only sound was her typing on her laptop that was halted with the last typed letter.

She reread the email multiple times, and the question of whether to send it or not played in her head.
Why do some people have to be so stubborn and so selfish, she thought. As human beings, we have a tendency to be locked inside ourselves. And from her experience, men tend to be locked in their own self-centered core more than women. By nature, most woman are more aware of other people.

How can she get out of this in-between state in which he cornered her. But, she know deep inside, that she can get herself out. However, the price this time will be so high.

She got up from her desk and walked to the balcony door. Slowly, she opened it. As she stepped outside, the cold night wind made her shiver. But the need to breath was more than the shivers. She tried to breath deeply to calm her nerves and get her heart to stop racing.

A lot of questions were left unanswered. And she was left alone to resolve the conflict and get out of the deadlock. He could save her, a lot, just by saying a word. The arrogant side of him will never let him do that.

She looked to the sky and prayed silently for strength.

After a long moment, she knew what she will do. Getting back inside, she closed the blinds and went back to her desk. The laptop laid there glaring at her; and she just shut it down. Slowly, she breathed deeply again and closed the lights.

"May you grant my heart peace, O'Lord".


He..............

It was 3 am in the morning and he was laying on the sofa, looking blindly at the ceiling. Sleep had been an impossible un-achievable goal for the last few month. How can he sleep, when he knows the pain he is causing the only one whom he truly loves. He knows what to do to make her feel better, to save her from all her pain.

But......But, he cannot do it.

Things are way more complicated and he cannot even justify his actions to her. Silence is his only answer to all her emails and calls. He has to watch her pain from far away in hurtful killing silence.

He knows that all she needs is a closure. She needs to know whether there is still hope or whether it has ended. She needs that to go on. But does he really want her to move on and walk away.

He thought about sending her an email telling her that it was over. This will hurt her but she will get over and proceed in her life. But he couldn't do that.

"I am too selfish to do that". He said out loud. He cannot cut the last thread that still tied them together.

He closed his eyes and prayed silently for patience and strength. He prayed that she be granted the patience to wait longer for him. He prayed she don't give up on them yet.

He sent her a love message through his heart, wishing it will reach her and give her peace.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

It's a new day

It's a new day
Shiny and bright
The rain of last night, is now just shiny little diamonds on the leaves.
Make it a good day.
Be strong. Be good.
It's all within you, it;s all there.
Don't look outside, it all lies inside you,
                                    inside your heart, inside your head.

Get it out.............
      Focus,
      Focus on your inner heart, hear your deep breathing and focus on NOW.
      Focus and smile to your heart.

Love yourself and give yourself a pat on the back, every morning.
You are here now, you've come a long way.

You deserve that, so wake up and shine.

It's a new day.



This is what jWoman has to say today.