Airport sickness

I have airport sickness.

I feel sick nauseated and a terrible headache attacks me when I sit in an airport lounge or stroll through the shopping areas of an airport.

Airports make me feel small and entrapped, confined in a limited area, confined within myself. In this confined space, my only companion is me. So here I m doomed to face my fears and nightmares, I m doomed to spend my hours with myself.

I always had this fear that there may not be enough oxygen for us to breath in this big box they call the airport.

Love manifests itself in airports. You can see people hugging in farewell, or kissing in excitement or just holding hands in reassurance and support. That's when my aloneness grows way out of proportions and I grow so irrationally lonely and smaller. I shrink into myself.

The worst  part of the trip is arrival to find no one waiting. The process of finding your way out of the waiting crowd wishing someone special was waiting for you there with a smile, makes arrival so much a dream of the impossible, a process doomed to disappointment. And once you arrive you are on your own as ever, trying to figure out the mean of transportation to take and what to do next.

It might not be too dramatic as I bad it sound. Maybe at times I enjoy it all and it gives me an ecstasy or an enjoyable sense of accomplishing and dependence. Maybe yes, but at others I feel so much pathetic self pity.


This what jWoman had to say today
Extracts from the diary of an independent but alone woman.

How do you get over someone you still love?

I tried to give up but failed
I tried to give in and also failed.
My heart is so persistent and my head too stubborn.

"How do you get over someone you still love?"

I don't have an answer to this question. I am still trying every mental game to trick my mind into accepting and going on.

I am not even sure that there is a solution, or an answer. For me, the main problem was that I never had a final closure, no ending. In addition, one question still hung in my personal energy circumference. This question was WHY?

I fought with that question so long. It ate my days and consumed my energy without an end. I started questioning myself, is it my fault? And found myself slowly falling into the pit of self-pity, self-doubt and self-hatred. Things at this point goes south so easily.

I am not a weak woman, I have a good career. Everyone I know likes me, respects me, appreciates my presence and my existence and to some people I make a difference. I reminded myself of that.

I do believe in God, and I saw how He extended his hand to me and supported my back so I don't fall. He sent me people to remind me of my worth. It might sound pathetic to need reassurance from others but truly, that's what you need at this low point of your life, when you feel you are a loser.

Everyone, and I really mean everyone, deserves to be loved and appreciated. I believe in that. However, sometimes, our souls and minds interact with the universe in ways that we don't completely comprehend giving us the things that we think we don't want and taking from us what we think we wholeheartedly desire.

I, also, believe in karma and the rules of the universe, where "What goes around, comes around." Believing in that means to me, that I have to give in to what I can't change and accept to pay price for things I don't understand or acknowledge. It, also, means that I need to give love and forgiveness more.

To forgive is to forget, Jesus taught his disciples to forgive. Can I really forgive him, can I forget the pain? As a weak human, I can't. But I try to do that slowly, gradually. Maybe I will one day reach that point of forgiveness.

It seems my brain is working against me, in that perspective. My memory works so well in bringing him up in every occasion possible, indeed in every moment of my waking hours and unfortunately, my subconscious creates illusions of him in my dreams too.

My very dear friend and my support told me once that I am still holding on to a very fine thread. I am still holding on to the hope of getting back together and that's why I can't get him out of my mind. I know she is right. However, I don't know the technique of letting go. And that's why I am writing this. To me writing had always been a way to better understand myself. It was my method to mend and heal my broken pieces. In the past, it always helped me figure out how I feel, and made me face the reality I was hiding from.

I am dealing with it now as an addiction case where I have to suffer from withdrawal symptoms and pains to get clean. I am detoxing my life of his presence and it is a long painful process. I am not sure of the state I will be in at the end of this tunnel. What are the losses, I will have to endure.

Some researchers say that heartbreak and breaking up can give you pain that your brain perceives as actual pain. Studies even showed that people with heartbreak show similar symptoms to cocaine withdrawal. So facing it and being patient is my only way out, my only way to regain control over my life.

With the help of my friend and her loving family, I can go through this and emerge in a better state. Friends are your life saver during hard times.

Finally, I think to get over someone you still love you should,

• First take the decision and be strict in acting accordingly.
• Use the help and care of your support circle, friends and family.
• Stop playing the role of the victim and face reality. 
• Love yourself, your faults before your virtues.
• Don't live in the drama but live in TODAY, in the NOW.
• Do things you love.
• Don't postpone living your life, don't wait for someone or something to happen in your life.

Just let go and give in to life, let Karma play its role and soon good will come your way.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

My Movies: Frequencies

Frequencies, a most capturing movie you can watch. It asks all the unanswered questions  about humans and the universe.

Do we have free will, do we have imagination? Does the universe really serve our wills or are we complex but predictable machines that work with a certain repeated code and can be manipulated.

Indeed, I think, we are all that combined together with different extents.

It makes your mind goes in whirls trying to make out what you yourselves believe in and questioning it all.

But in the end the question is, "Does it matter? Does it make a difference?" That's what Zak and Marie concluded in the end.

Edit LATER:
After some thought, I feel that the movie was more about the effect and power of love. A friend was telling me that it was the power of the spoken word. But to me, I felt it was the power of love and human empathy, human communication that makes all the difference. It's the passion that drives us to make something comes true.

That's why when in the last scene between the Zak and Marie, they were confronted with the fact that maybe they didn't choose to fall in love and their only answer was 'We don't care' because love was the end that made them happy whatever the means that got them there.

This is what jWoman has to say

My Readings: She came to stay

Simone de Beauvoir always captures me with her characters and how she draws deep images of them and their actions. The relationship between her and Jean-Paul Sartre is of a unique kind that is worth exploring and understanding. Whether you agree or not with the idea of an open marriage, you will always find the depth and closeness of their relationship fascinating.

They were real partners and very good friends before anything else. Their analytical and curious nature drove them to try the extremes, like the trio relationship that Beauvoir describes in this book, and it leaves you quizzical and wondering about the  essence of relationship.

I do believe in exclusiveness in relationships and to me it is a condition for survival but I find her narration of their relationship with Xaviere and all the stages that they went through with this restless, envious, self-centered being astounding and worth exploring.

Xaviere is a repulsive yet captivating character, you can't predict her next step and find yourself all through the book, angry with her and wanting to argue or fight or even slap her on the face. I was even angry with Pierre and Francoise (Francoise especially) for tolerating her and keeping her in their life. But when I contemplated the situation more deeply, I found that it do happen sometimes, maybe so many times in our lives, that we meet someone that don't look at all similar to what we are used to, and maybe that attracts us to them. We make the mistake of curiosity, of wanting to know more. We forget, always, that "CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT". And once we let them in and closer, one thing leads to another and the operation of extracting them out of our lives becomes so difficult and sometimes seems even impossible.

The chapters describing their trio was painful to me. The words and pages were full of mixtures of feeling that people can live and die without experiencing. It's an richening but painful experience to go through. The pain Francoise went through to make peace with the trio, to accept the sharing and yet be continously pushed to the peripheral edge of the relation. She was constantly treated as a shadow and pushed aside away from the centre by Xaviere. I was exasperated by Francoise attitude but I constantly felt a unity with her and an understanding to her almost unacceptable actions and reactions.

"I've won ", Francoise ended chapter eight by saying that.

"I've won", thought Francoise trimphantly. 

Once again she existed alone, with no obstacle at the heart of her own destiny. Confined within her illusory and empty world, Xaviere was now but a futile, living pulsation.

The book keeps you in whirlwind, whether to pity the restless soul Xaviere  or the independent strong woman Francoise or blame whose selfishness or evil nature. In the end, it's the complexity of human nature that is not white or black but all shades of colors that changes with time and circumstances. However, the last chapter of the book surprised me beyond limits, I wasn't anticipating this end and I am still wondering whether I like it or not.

I am still dumbfound with how it ends. But maybe it was what she really wished to do in real life but never got the courage to do so she took her revenge in the book. How painful must this relation have been, to make her feel like killing the woman and ending her misery once and for all.

The book is a journey worth embarking on.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

Hitting Bottom

Freefalling through all life events.
Some events push you even deeper, others are like a gush of fresh breeze that blow you up towards the surface, but you never see sunlight, just a glimpse of what might be. Then, you bounce back and dive even deeper.

There comes a time when you get impatient to hit bottom and get over with this waiting. Transitional period kills you more ruthlessly then actual death. You think "The bottom of this pit must be near now. It can't go any deeper."

Maybe, when we hit bottom we can bounce back and get out of this pit, the hopeful you looks for a way out. The restless you looks for a relief, maybe when we hit bottom, we will go into an eternal repose, tranquility.

In the journey to the bottom, the most important thing is to keep your sarcastic spirit and keep smiling at yourself in every reflection you face :).



This is what jWoman has to say today.

Reflections on life

You wake up every morning, prepare breakfast, get dressed, have breakfast, go to work, .......... till it's time to go back to bed.

Do you ask yourself at some point, "What will happen if I stopped and just did nothing?".

I am sure many of us asked this question and even some us had taken it, one step further and executed the idea. I know of people who decided to stop living, when faced with sever disappointment or when losing the meaning of going on. In most cases, it is a symptom of depression and needs psychological treatment.

When I think of it, I sometimes envy them their ability to stay still. I know this is absolute stupidity. However, when life becomes a burden, stupidity is a welcomed solution. But, can a conscious strong, knowing person just decide to stop living and stay still. What should we do when we face this feeling? How can we stay strong when facing the urge to just stop living and live death?

I read books and watch documentaries or movies showing strong people struggling and fighting the misgivings handed to them by life, and winning their selves and creating a new life. These stuff gives you a nice vibe, makes you jump out of your seat and shout at the top of your voice, "If they can, I can". However, they never prepare you for the struggle of getting out of bed each morning. They never prepare you for the struggle of finding your own meaning. A 10 or 20 minutes movie can never really provide you with the strength needed for the years ahead.

That gush of positivity is not enough!!

Then what?

Some days as I walk to work, I suddenly lose all meaning, and I stand there. I couldn't go on, nor could I go back home. The only things, I can do is stand there and move, only my gaze around. I search for outside help but no external help will ever get me out of that. Trying to remember my responsibilities or the people relying on me, won't help. On the contrary, if it helped once, it won't work after a few times and soon I will carry a grudge against those responsibilities or people. This will ruin me more.

At that moment, I am alone in the universe. I am isolated. And facing this fact, I know that I have to search inside me for the strength to move. I need to move even if just to go back home, but I need to move.

And this is when all these books and movies come to use, I remind myself, "I am not alone". There are others there, struggling too and there's a way out. The way out is me, myself. I am doing it for me. I am going on for me, not due to responsibilities, not for anyone else. No, I am doing it for me, because I deserve that.

I deserve to be happy, I love myself.

I keep repeating this in my head till a regain control over my body and can go on, move forward and continue my day.

Sometimes, facing the things we fear most, is so much easier then living with the fear. We may fear the change, the aloneness, the lack of security or the judgement of other people, family or friends. But in the end, it's our lives that is being wasted in fear.

Staying in a wrecked, consuming marriage just because we can't face the fact that we made a wrong choice, or afraid of living alone or maybe afraid of being a single mum, or afraid of financial insecurity, eventually kills the life out of us. We live with the fear of losing, miserably whereas we could have lived happily and accomplished so much more if we just took one step and faced our fears.

This applies to every other thing in life that makes life un-live-able.

To me, fear is my worst enemy. And I have lived with  it for long and wasted precious years. I have made a pledge to myself that I will never let it waste any other minute of my life. I will face my fears and drive the monster away.

I hope that I can help others get rid of their fears. Helping one another, helps us to grow and be happy. Giving to others is the best gift we can give ourselves.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

I am 36

It's my birthday, today. I am 36. Not thrilling really. So now, I m officially in my late thirties. And since I waked up this morning I was trying to thing about what to say to myself today. What's the message I need to send to me, what truth do I need to acknowledge as I step into my 36th year.

I am not really sure. But I'll give it a try with what comes first to my mind.

I think, I'll start with something nice and motivating. I have to pat my back and clap my hands, cheering, 'BRAVO to me.' I have learned how to extend my limits and go beyond my comfort zone. Last year, I have learned to start afresh in a new land and do everything on my own completely. My last couple of years, before that, prepared me for this but reality was even harder but I pushed through. CONGRATS. 👍👍👍👍

I got over the experience of a being broken and learnt the courage to end consuming, hurtful issues, and start over from scratch. Cheers for me !!!!!
✌✌✌

I am working in a field, I knew nothing about a year ago and I am doing OK. So now, I am a researcher in Biomechanics Engineering, HURRAY!!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Now, to the hard stuff, I am still scared of being alone and feeling incomplete on my own. This I need to work on through this year. I am always fighting life not accepting the unchangeable. I still need to work on differentiating between what I can change by more effort and what I need to give in to as the unchangeable. It's my mindset that needs altering to accept what life and people gives the way it is.

I have always thought of myself as an adaptable person but I think I still need to be happy with me and the people I have around me. Disappointment is my worst enemy, I expect a lot, I expect the unexpected and when it doesn't happen I fall a victim to severe disappointment.

To me this is my missions for my 36th year, I will stop expecting and accept the unchangeable.

And
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME

This is what jWoman has to say on her 36th birthday

Closure

She..............

"I need closure. My story with you makes my life unstable. I can't regain my balance as long as I have no closure. I am living in in-between. I am in-between life and death, suspended like a ghost. I'm a ghost with no future haunted by the past and don't see the present."

She breathed a deep breath. It was way beyond midnight and silence envelopped her, the only sound was her typing on her laptop that was halted with the last typed letter.

She reread the email multiple times, and the question of whether to send it or not played in her head.
Why do some people have to be so stubborn and so selfish, she thought. As human beings, we have a tendency to be locked inside ourselves. And from her experience, men tend to be locked in their own self-centered core more than women. By nature, most woman are more aware of other people.

How can she get out of this in-between state in which he cornered her. But, she know deep inside, that she can get herself out. However, the price this time will be so high.

She got up from her desk and walked to the balcony door. Slowly, she opened it. As she stepped outside, the cold night wind made her shiver. But the need to breath was more than the shivers. She tried to breath deeply to calm her nerves and get her heart to stop racing.

A lot of questions were left unanswered. And she was left alone to resolve the conflict and get out of the deadlock. He could save her, a lot, just by saying a word. The arrogant side of him will never let him do that.

She looked to the sky and prayed silently for strength.

After a long moment, she knew what she will do. Getting back inside, she closed the blinds and went back to her desk. The laptop laid there glaring at her; and she just shut it down. Slowly, she breathed deeply again and closed the lights.

"May you grant my heart peace, O'Lord".


He..............

It was 3 am in the morning and he was laying on the sofa, looking blindly at the ceiling. Sleep had been an impossible un-achievable goal for the last few month. How can he sleep, when he knows the pain he is causing the only one whom he truly loves. He knows what to do to make her feel better, to save her from all her pain.

But......But, he cannot do it.

Things are way more complicated and he cannot even justify his actions to her. Silence is his only answer to all her emails and calls. He has to watch her pain from far away in hurtful killing silence.

He knows that all she needs is a closure. She needs to know whether there is still hope or whether it has ended. She needs that to go on. But does he really want her to move on and walk away.

He thought about sending her an email telling her that it was over. This will hurt her but she will get over and proceed in her life. But he couldn't do that.

"I am too selfish to do that". He said out loud. He cannot cut the last thread that still tied them together.

He closed his eyes and prayed silently for patience and strength. He prayed that she be granted the patience to wait longer for him. He prayed she don't give up on them yet.

He sent her a love message through his heart, wishing it will reach her and give her peace.


This is what jWoman has to say today.

It's a new day

It's a new day
Shiny and bright
The rain of last night, is now just shiny little diamonds on the leaves.
Make it a good day.
Be strong. Be good.
It's all within you, it;s all there.
Don't look outside, it all lies inside you,
                                    inside your heart, inside your head.

Get it out.............
      Focus,
      Focus on your inner heart, hear your deep breathing and focus on NOW.
      Focus and smile to your heart.

Love yourself and give yourself a pat on the back, every morning.
You are here now, you've come a long way.

You deserve that, so wake up and shine.

It's a new day.



This is what jWoman has to say today.

The rain and you

Whenever I hear rain falling outside my window, I remember you. I have no explanation to that. What do you and rain have in common? Why is the sound of rain linked to you?

Before I knew you, the sound of rain made me feel anxious yet soothed. Rain had this incomplete shape inside me. I couldn't imagine rain inside my head. It was incomplete. After you entered my life, rain reminds me of you. Rain took your shape. When I hear rain now, your picture comes to my head.

Maybe because, it is sometimes unexpected as you, or cruel when angry just like you too. Maybe because you make me anxious because I can't see my future with me yet soothe me into the calmness of the present. With you, NOW is the only thing I have.

Rain is a gift from heaven to all living organisms. However, there are days when rain becomes a curse, overflowing rivers and dissolving even rocks. So are you to me. You can be the blessing of my life and the next day you can break me into pieces and drown me in my own waters.


This is what jWoman has to say for today.

Life Relativity

I think that right and wrong is a relative thing. Especially, when it comes to your action towards yourself. Some people may disagree with me, saying that they are absolute. They will argue that religion, civilisation, tradition and law had set it absolutely. Yes, when it concerns others. When my action affects others, there is laws that govern that. Absolute known laws tells me I shouldn't hurt others, shouldn't kill or steal from other. In the case where others are concerned, right and wrong is known and universal.

When your actions affects just you, when you are the only party concerned in the equation, then it is all relative. No religion or tradition has the power to control how I think or feel. And in trying to obey it, we, most of the time, suppress our spirit. In this process, we build up aggression and negativity. We become someone else just to fulfil the rules put down by society or provided by our religious leaders or priests. 

I object to the power that people give to tradition or religious figures. My choices in life and decisions concerning how I lead my life is mine alone. Thus, right and wrong, here, is a relative thing that can never be absolute. 

I exist thus, I have the right to choose to be what I want. 

Bringing me to this life, doesn't give my parents the right to choose a life path for me.  I owe them a lot, yes. I love and respect them. But, they can't live my life for me. They took their decisions once. Now, it is my turn. It is my turn to make mistakes, lose and win, be happy and be sad. It's  my turn to be alive, to make my own destiny.

Right and wrong become more of a mindset, a state of mind that develops with times and  experience. We start our life mostly thinking that life is black and white. With time and experience, life takes on more shades, and greyish areas start appearing. As we grow older and older, some of us stick to their greyish-ness and colour-blindness, while others develop rainbows from their greyishness. I, myself, believe in rainbows, in a big spectrum of colours. I believe in the impossible, in miracles, in love. I accept life with sun and rain, with cloud and blue skies. I believe in going on and never stoping, in learning and growing till you die. I believe in accepting time, accepting the effect of time with love. We should all love ourselves so much at each stage of life, wether fair faced or wrinkled.

I believe in relativeness. I am, myself, a relative person. I tried for long to exist absolutely, independently absolute. But failed and learned from my repeated failures that I exist relatively. I can't be an absolute existence. My environment and surrounding defines parts of me. It defines the changeable parts of me, my adaptability and flexibility. And only, a small portion of me stays partially absolute, the core of me, where my values reside. I can't say, they are completely absolute, because as I grew up, they developed and grew with me. But this core is the corner stone of my being, my existence. The core to which I turn to when in crisis, that define my right and wrong. This core is my own religion, my governing laws and values.

This is what jWoman have to say.

Be your own man

The worst thing, a woman, can do to herself is make someone else her priority. She should be a priority to herself. In my opinion, everyone should do that. This does not contradict romance or being in love. This is a protective shield against life blows. In reality, a woman has no one to reliably depend on but herself. If man means security and peace to a woman, then we must be our own men. We must secure a peaceful space for ourselves, a home where warmth and tranquility is found.

Don't wait for a man to bring you that, be your own man.


This is what jWoman have to say for today

The story of us

Spring in October still takes her by surprise. She has been in the new land for more than four decades now and still the colourful spring that suddenly wakes up at the end of the year just before a hot Christmas, amazes her. In her homeland, things were so different. But that was a long time ago. This is her home now, their home.

Fading old memories of home were playing in her head as she arranged the tea cups and cakes on the tray and carried them out into the veranda. She put the tray on the low table and sat down by his side on the bamboo seats. The weather was great and the view was breathtaking. She was so happy that they had finally purchased his small house by the sea. It was a secluded spot on the beach and rarely did people come this way giving them the experience of a private beach.

He touched her back softly as she leaned to pour the hot tea in the cups. His touch still gives her butterflies, even after all those years together. She looked at him with smiles in her twinkling eyes.

'I love the twinkle in your eyes when you smile', he said with a laugh.

'They twinkle just for you and never for anyone else.'

'Oh, you still know what to say to make me breathless, even after more than 30 years together', and he leaned forward to put a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

Sunset on the beach was her favourite time of the day, and he loved to share that moment with her. So they sat on the veranda silently. They have always had this thing of being able to communicate and bond in silence without words. The peace of their togetherness was enough, it was really more than any words can describe. As they sat there enjoying, a young couple in their early twenties appeared walking hand in hand on the sand, their laughter was loud. It reached the senior couple mixed with the sound of waves and pieces of incomprehensible words. It made them smile and look to each other. The younger couple started chasing each other, then the man grabbed the woman in his arms and splashed both of them into the waves as they kissed passionately. It was an amusing and joyful scene for the senior couple.

They locked their eyes with a look full of satisfied love, peaceful sustained love. They kissed and then he said, 'I wish we have meet when we were their age. I would have made you so happy and we wouldn't have had the hard experiences that we had'.

She answered smilingly,

'These hardships made us what we are, without them we won't be here today'.

He took her hand in his and held it to his lips kissing it so tenderly.

'Yes, my sweet jewelz.'

Her face blushed and the smile grew bigger on her face as she heard him call her this intimate name, only he uses.

'You know babe, I have lived with you all these nice experiences. I have spent my twenties and early thirties with you. We have gone to the beach, to movies and theatre, and even travelled. And you have carried me and spun me around like these two young ones are doing now'. And she pointed at the happy young couple on the sand a few yards away from them.

An amused smile shone his face. She always amazed him by her thoughts and ideas and he was waiting for a novel amusing thing now.

'And how is that?'

He said it half knowing what she will say.

'I lived it all with you in my dreams, in my daydreams when we were apart. I relived all my life with you. I experienced every experience with you. This is how I survived being away from you.'

He took her into his arms and their lips were locked in a deep passionate kiss just like the young couple laying on the sand a few yards away.






This is what jWoman have to write for today.

jWoman in Budapest

Looking through the large glass windows that surrounded the waiting area, I can see aeroplanes standing still and humungous, as little electrical cars moving busily around them like little insects trying not to wake the beast. Budapest airport seems so quiet and small in comparison to Dubai airport where you could feel like a lost absurd child at his first visit to funland. I felt like crying, because it felt so big and busy and I felt so little and lost. Here only a couple of planes are standing in the runway field.

I have been here for only five nights and I am flying back to the furthest place on earth, to the new land. Airports and airports are places where you contemplate your life and think of everything or nothing. You have all the alone time you can dream of or dread. And I am a fan of alone time.

When I think, I can't believe I am here. A year ago, I couldn't have imagined doing that and alone too, never. The timid girl with wild imagination but big fears is finally able to do something. I have finally broke the chains of illusions. I feared everything, and I was always looking for someone to be there with me to do anything. I dreamt but never did.

Finally, jWoman is doing. Finally, I am living and acting not waiting for something to happen, or someone to do something for me.  I am doing.

This year had marked the start of my change. Leaving home to start my PhD. , at 35 I am still starting. It's always better late then never. But still, some negative people mock me for doing that.

An old post from October 2016

Woman

They say we are equal. They say we live in the age where women had been given all her rights and is treated as a human being, as an equal. But is that true. Is it true in the head of all men? Men are hard-wired to think lowly of women.

Judgemental as they are, men seem to know think they are superior, they know better. Behind the back of woman, when alone or with other male friends over drinks, they talk about woman. They enjoy calling us names.

She is too fat, not good enough
She is too thin, not good enough
She is too curvy, must be a slut
She laughs out too loud, she is a slut
She is too silent, how can her man endure her
She is too flirtous, a slut of course.
She is too independent, she is a slut.
She is too dependent, must stay away from her
...................

And a long list of names and descriptions, names I couldn't write here.

In my desperation

Sometimes, in my deepest desperate moments, I need to find someone to be upset with. I try to find the weakest link, someone to carry all the blame, someone to be the target of all my wrath. Someone who I have constant contact with but yet has nothing to do with my desperation. And that poor person, in my head, becomes my worst opponent, the one I have to deal with but don't want to do that at all.

And days pass by, and my desperation subsides, or atleast, is controlled and I am back to being me. Then, I suddenly realise my error. That person was just a normal human being who had done me no wrong. He was just the weakest link in my social network and I needed a target to blame for my pain.

Fortunately, it all happens in my head. The person only feels I am subdued and avoiding social contact and after some time I am back to normal. I hope those people can forgive me my weakness.