Be AWARE what thoughts you create.

There are days more difficult then others. Yesterday was one of those difficult days where you see no light at the end of the tunnel,  because all you are looking towards is backwards. I was immersed in my past, enclosed in it that all I can do was self-pity and victimising myself.

The only thing that got me out was the thought that no-one will help me, I am the only one who can get me out of that. So, I woke up today determined to get active and face life. Live now, live TODAY and go on.

We create our destiny, our life with our choices. I have to chose to live and I have to be aware of what I am choosing and what I am looking for. I can see that God, indeed give me what I really ask for. When I lay on my couch immersed in self-pity and upset with everything and everyone, I am giving out negativity into the world, I am looking for more failures to feed my self-pity and prove to myself and everyone around that I am a victim of life and circumstances. This is the easier path.

But I chose to struggle and get out of bed with a smile, even if it is forced at first. With time, I will smile on my own without willing it. We all need to be aware of ourselves, our thoughts. We are in control of our thoughts, we are not defined by them. On the contrary, we create them and we can change. This is the only way to change our lives and make a difference.

I still feel my aloneness and yearn for human touch and human intimacy but the lack of this don't make me miserable. I am whole on my own. I enjoy the sky, the sun, the moon and the clouds. I can walk alone and be alone. It is in my head where I create this miserable loneliness disease and cry over it.

Today, I woke up determined to cure myself of the disease and I did. I walked alone happily and met friends also happily, knowing that I know how to exist on my own. I am okay with being single, I am not scared of being single for the rest of myself. I am open to possibilities and I am aware that I create my thoughts.

This is what jWoman has to say on this Saturday morning

Am I pathetic?

Sometimes all you can think of is what next?

How can I go on?

I am 37 years old now, and I feel just how I felt when i was an eighteen year old confused teenager, wanting to be loved, looking for something. The main difference is that when I was eighteen, I did not know what I want or what I do not want. All I was looking for was the act of being in love. Now, I know, who I am, partially at least. I know what I can't tolerate and what I yearn for. What I can live with and what I run away from. And that is something accomplished in nineteen years, something better than accomplishing nothing.

But, after turning my life upside down and leaving behind all that was familiar. Leaving my school sweetheart and husband of 7 years, I am now a middle-aged divorcee. And to get that I lost friends, family members and my church membership, just to get my freedom, to regain myself and stop a marriage that was draining my soul and turning me into a desperate depressed person.

I left behind my family, my life-long friends and my job, which I loved dearly. And I left my roots, my country to travel to the other end of the earth, to the new land. I always wonder whether the distance helped me get rid of all ties with my past or indeed just increased my attachment to everything and everyone I left behind. I had hope for a new life, a took with a dream that just turned into a nightmare that I had to struggle to give up. I might have been a naive dreamer that soon had to face reality, tough dry reality.

In the new land, I started everything new, stopped being the boss and turned into a student doing her PhD, a student learning more about life through aloneness and loneliness. I chose my aloneness but was hit with sever loneliness. It is weird how I get used to being on  my own. It is okay most of the time, till I am hit with a severe low episode where I miss human contact, I miss a human touch.

I know it sounds pathetic but there are times when your loneliness hit you so deeply that you wish an empathetic human being will sympathise with you and hold your hand or pat your back and that is all you dream of. Pathetic you!!!!

There are days when I feel I cannot go on, days when I am so scared that I am so close to suffering a panic attack. I am scared of dying alone, of growing old alone, of never knowing intimacy again. Maybe a legitimate fear maybe a pathetic attitude.

But I try to convince myself that the best is yet to come. That I still have a lot to give and a lot to live for. As long as we breath in life, all possibilities are open.

This is what jWoman has to say today.