jWoman is forty today!

Today I close my fourth decade on this earth. A decade ends and a new one starts. I hope I am wiser than when I started my thirties, I am happier and much more calmer. 

I remember this day a decade ago, 10 years ago! I started my thirties in the middle of the Arabic spring, in the streets of my beloved city Alexandria, marching and asking for freedom, for the right to have a voice, to exist. 

As difficult as those years were, they brought me to where I am today, and you do not regret one bit of that. I won't start on the cheesy lines of age is just a number blah, blah, blah. But I know things look so clearer and calmer now I am forty (woooow, that is super weird hearing myself say it!!!!), than when I was thirty. 

The last decade held so much, 

    a revolution, marching the streets, shouting at the top of your lungs, the illusion of making a difference and the ecstatic feeling it brings, divorce, love and loss intertwined, broken hearts, friendships lost and gained, saying goodbyes and saying hellos, leaving home, making a new home, aloneness and loneliness, being a student again, starting a new career, toxic workplace, leaving and starting over, restarting career again, opening up, being scared but yet getting out of bed every morning.

And here I am 10 years from 27/7/2011, in 2021.  I am a different version of myself, the little girl of 10 is still there along with the hesitant angry young woman at 20, and that too-sure of herself 30-year-old me. They are there, but quieter, smarter and less sure of themselves :).

I know a lot but the most important thing is that I am still missing a lot more. There is so much more to learn and see and experience and as long as I am here I will live, breathe and enjoy.

Enjoy the little things, the voice of a friend, the taste of a hot cup of coffee in the early morning, the smile on a little child or a cheeky naughty one, a small pink bud barely visible in the tree in my front yard is enough.

I understand now that nothing will make me happy and no one, I am the only one able to achieve this. And happiness is not a goal that I will reach when something happens. No happiness is a way of living, a lifestyle, a diet ;). And enjoying the journey is what life is all about.

So my dear friends, stay safe, be happy and enjoy the ride.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

And again I am not ok

 Yes, I am not ok.

And I havent been ok for a long time now. I am in a very dark place and it is getting darker by the second. I try, I push back and push back trying to get out and it seems that I am going towards the light then I just fall back.

I am so lonely, so hurt, so frustrated and again so lonely.

Life is a very gloomy place to be and I am lost in the silence of isolation and loneliness. It seems like I am navigating through the endless seas of life, alone with no crew on deck or below it. I am alone trying to take control of my ship where as the fact is the wind is tossing me to random directions going towards nowhere. My ship just sails and sails and nothing around but silence, endless seas broken just by a sound of a flock of birds flying overhead or the wind blowing my sails and sometimes rocking the ship so hard. 

The birds hail land but no land appear in the horizon, it is always this endless blue seas.

And yes, I am not ok.

I am not OK, but I am not complaining

 How are you?        I am not fine

I don't feel fine, and I haven't been for a lonnnnng time

Have you noticed!!

        But I am not complaining....

I don't want to complain 

I don't want to spread negativity

But I wanna talk, and I want to be listened too.

I listen continously, and I am filled, overflowing with emotions and thoughts belonging to others.

And mine are bubbling, wanting to be acknowledged but oppressed by me, imprisioned at the tip of my tongue, because it is not the right time to talk.

You see me sitting there with a smile, I walk with a smile, talk with a smile but sometimes, it just hurts my face.

I am forcing it because I am not Ok, I am not fine but I don't wanna complain.

I listen my mum complaining about my dad, and her life with him. My friends complaining about their marriages, their children, their love-life or their sex-life but what about me!!!!!

Where do I fit, no where. I am alone and no one wants to listen. 

No one wants to watch the sunset in silence or sit in a coffee shop for hours discussing a book.

No one wants to talk about reliogion and existence, about our freedom and our choices.

No one wants to sit with for me hours, without talking abt other people or complaining about life.

I wanna talk about passion, humanity, love and freedom. 

I wanna light up my soul because it is fading away, dying in this spiritual starvation. 

I am tired, a tired soul lost in this superficial world.

This is what jWoman has to say today.

My Readings: Feminism from Mona El-Tahawy view

 I am happy I have continued reading the book (The Seven Necessary Sins For Women and Girls), and this is a sequel to my previous article.

The next sin or I mearn chapter in Eltahawy's book was Attention. And I have seen strong, independent, talented women called whore bitches just because they stood up and grabbed what they deserve. A man would have never been called so if or maybe better when he does the same thing. Since I was part of the Egyptian Revolution I have a feel for what Mona describes about attention. I think the 25th of Jan and the days that followed broke something loose in many egyptians and especially egyptian women. I saw women getting bolder and not any more being apologetic for being women, but really taking what they deserve not caring what they are called.

Then comes Profanity, where again, me and Mona Eltahawy don't see eye to eye. I don't see the need to be angry nor profane to get what we need or deserve. Profanity is not a tool I can promote or accept. I am against, completely against how patriarchy had used a girl or a female's body part to signify weakness, stupidity and profanity.  It is really interesting how the author noted that she now uses "don't be a little kitten" or "cry like a kitten" instead of the patriarchy's "like a girl". That is nice.

But again, why do I need to say either. I am so moved by the anger and negative vibe that radiates from a big portion of the book. I do not think the world requires any more anger, we need to stand for ourselves but not to end up with inflated egos and  anger. Because then we will be no better than the patriarchy we are complaining of. We need to be conscious of where we are coming from and why we are doing this, really.

Ambitions is sin number 4 and that is a great chapter with so many examples that show how this world was designed just to kill ambition in women just because they have wombs. And yes it can be seen till this day and in the most civilised and advanced societies that being a woman, a mother you are at a disadvantage. It was an amazing experience reading about the Japanese University where they were unfairly assessing women to "rescue the boys". The boys needed rescuing because the girls were getting better marks and would have been accepted instead of the boys!!!!! And they weren't even apologetic for doing that!!!!!

Power is sin number 5. Power, women in power, examples of women gaining power and claiming positions of power without asking for permission is very powerful, in my opinion, to every girl and woman. Gives hope, a silver lining that if they can do it, you can do it.

Violence is sin 6 and again here she lost me. The whole predicament of the chapter is that we need to increase women’s violence against men to balance the scale not decrease men’s violence. I am with women defending themselves when attacked and standing for themselves when abused and leaving when not respected but not going violent just to tip the scale.

And finally comes lust, which from my perspective, noones business. Everyone should be free to express it in whichever way they are comfortable with. If you see it a sin, do not do it but do not impose your rules on another, period.

My main feeling after finishing the book is that it might be too long for its content, with some ideas repeated a lot. I wasn’t wiser at the end of this read, just couldn’t prevent myself from questioning the amount of violence promoted here.

This is what jWoman had to say today.

My Readings: First day at work and Angry Feminism

 

It was my first day at work, I mean physically going to work, and meeting people in the flesh. As exciting as it was, it was exhausting. The commute was indeed exhausting, especially going back!!! I was lost, hot and drained. All schedules were fucked up and nothing accurate online and I wasn’t sure which way to go. But I am writing this from the train to Geelong, Marshall station. And from there I will need to figure out a way to go to Warun Ponds. Too much commute for one day.

I just hope I haven’t messed up taking this train.

I am reading a book by Mona El-Tahawy (The seven necessary sins for women and Girls). She is an Egyptian American Feminist preaching a feminist angry doctrine, that is her first lesson to girls, ANGER!!! 

I don’t agree with anger even if it is not violent or aggressive. Why should being a feminist mean being angry!!!! 

I am with peace, and standing for what we are in peace, anger brings more anger and more negative vibes. Why should we teach girls to be angry and teach boys to restrain themselves, these are her words. How is this even fair. I do not see anger against patriarchy as the solution.

When comparing that book to Anbar’s book (Memoirs of an Early Arab Feminist) , I cannot but bow respectfully to the feminist school that Anbar represents.

Rudeness, vulgarity and obscenity are what Mona preaches and asks girls to be. These are the true feminists or else they aren’t feminist enough, or traitors maybe!! 

This in itself is labelling and discrimination against women who appreciate modesty and respect. Why can’t I protest against the patriarchy without using the F* word and without yelling in anger and shouting. 

I do not see myself agreeing with her on any point. But I will continue reading the book, continue the journey I started with Mona and see where it takes me, just as I am seeing where this train will take me. Hopefully home.

Edit: I got home safely and I was lucky to have stuck to continue reading the book even though I wasn't agreeing with the first chapter :). See my next article for more.

Have a good day my friends.

This is what jWoman had to say today. 

https://www.jamesmurua.com/mona-eltahawys-the-seven-necessary-sins-for-women-and-girls-out-in-september/

My Readings: Memoirs of an Early Arab Feminist, Anbara Salam Khalidi

I believe that nothing just happens but everything happens for a reason. And this book fell into my hands for a reason. I have to admit that my history knowledge is not all that thorough and there are gaps in history which I know nothing about, I might have some vague ideas about different nations and what they went through, that I might have gathered from conversations with others, friends, senior family members or even from novels or movies. The Lebanese and Palestinian events at the end of the 19th century and the start of the 20th was one of those. And I was not aware of the role women played in this history and in shaping the future of Arab women.

This book was enlightening and beautiful, drawing a picture of the Lebanese social structure in that era, first under the declining Ottoman empire, then under the French occupation. This made me more interested to read more about these times and get to know more about other influential women like Huda Shaarawi, May Ziadeh, Malak Hifni Nassif among others.

The most painful part of the book was the part of her life spent in Palestine as she witnessed first hand the legal and illegal immigration of Jews to grab land and evacuate Arabs out of their homes and the Zionist propaganda. This part of history has been written and rewritten from different point of views. What I know is that whichever way you looked at it, it was a humanitarian disaster and no means can be justified by the end.

I have to say I am grateful to Anbara and all her contemporary women who fought for liberation and rights of women. If it wasn’t for them, my life won’t be as easy as it is today. It is still to this day challenging being a woman but it is not compared to being forbidden to learn, talk or walk the streets without permission of a male guardian and without a veil that hides even my eyes. The darkness they rebelled against gained up the light we live in.

Gaining PhD. degrees and travelling on my own to foreign countries, the luxury of chosing where you want to live and work, the freedom to chose to live alone were not an option in those time.

So, THANK-YOU LADIES!

It is a highly recommended book which is easy to ready and which gives you insights into historical events and social structure of a different era. 

The n-dimensionality of life: reading the Alexandria Quartet

 I first read the Alexandria quartet, years ago, many years ago, maybe during school or university. Honestly I am not sure when, and indeed I don't think I read all the 4 books. What I am sure of is that i read the first half of Justine and I think I never finished it.

Years later, I am hear again picking up the book and starting from the start. I am now mid-way through the third book and I have to stop to breathe. Durell is just fascinating, he has blown my head up.

Finishing "Justine" (Book 1), I was breathless filled with emotions of rage and sympathy. Images of my cosmopolitan city with the layers of different people walking her streets and creating a portrait that was so full on for anyone to take in. But reading Justine left me missing something, I felt I was imprisoned in a 1-D cell, that is the narrators view of things, his experiences with bits and pieces that were not enough to me.

Then came "Balthazar" (Book 2), to add in multiple more dimensions, and seeing that even while we think we know it all and we are the heroes of our own stories, this is not wholly true. In the unfathomable depth and abstraction of human relationship, nothing is simple or 1-D. Every character know has more to give, more to fascinate my mind and pop up even more questions. We can see the bewilderment that Balthazar comments brings on the narrator who has banished himself to a far away island after the disappearance of Justin and the death of Melissa. All the known facts of his life are rattled by comments interlinear by Balthazar into his manuscript, into his history, into his life story. 

"Mountolive" (Book 3) came as a surprise, the narrator is no where to be found, and we finally have a name for him "Darley". He is described as "a good fellow, gentle and resigned, with a shyness that goes with great emotions imperfectly kept under control". And suddenly our narrative is insignificant and has no effect on events, he is no more the center of the universe.

I remember the event (Book 1 or 2) when Justine faces here harasser, for whom she carries such anger and pain that seemed to possess her and her life for years, and suddenly he do not even remember the event. It has slipped from is memory as insignificant, while the event consumed her and so many other people around her for years. How invested can a person be in an aspect of life where he has the illusion that other people are sharing the emotion and being consumed in it while the truth is in another story we are just as insignificant as Darley is in Mountolive's story.

I still have a bit og Mountolive and the whole book of Clea.

This is what jWoman has to say for now.