It's not OK, because I am not OK.

I can't keep the act anymore. I am not Ok. I am not fine. It is not Ok, because I am not. I can't keep the act anymore. Pretending has worn me out, and all masks , I have worn, has faded and fell off showing my true face; of not being Ok.

I am suspended between heaven and earth. I am nowhere to be reached, no where to be found.

Why do I go on, I just don't know?

Why do I wake up in the morning? I have no idea.

So many a morning lately, I would open my eyes and just stare at at the ceiling. I'd go through my mind, looking in every dark, forgotten corner of my mind for a reason to go on and found none. I wake up every morning and go to work. I eat, drink, sleep. I talk and answer. I chat and smile. But I feel nothing. I feel void.

I do all that with inertia.

But from the physics lesson about inertia, I still remember that inertia is not a driving force. It has a limit, an end. One day, I will not move from bed anymore. One day, I will not utter another word.

I am living, going on, proceeding but I am not OK. I am keeping the pretense but not for long. I don't feel anything. Nothing really touches me.

I know that some hurts of my mine are still bleeding. I know I have hurt myself even before anyone else attempted to do me the favor. I know a lot about it all and I am conscious of all that. It's not part of my unconsciousness. No. I am conscious and I perceive and comprehend all.
This is utter HELL.

I wish I was neurotic, or any kind of psycho that has no idea this was all going on in his mind. But I am not. I am aware of all that is going on and I have a hyper analytical brain that will bring me to my end soon.

I am on the verge of breaking down. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

This is how jWoman feels today.

My Movie: The theory of Everything

It's not just a movie. It's a piece of something so profound, so genuine , so beautiful but painful.

It's not just the brilliance of a man or his defiance of all limitations, it's the story of the universe. It's so pure, like a walk in an untouched wood, or forest, where human distortions never reached.  The beauty of a human mind, heart and soul. His pain was so beautiful and his smile was so painful. He is a pure human figure, purified by the pain and left out of all the .

It's not just a love story, it's a life concert. He is an embodiment of the celebration of life. And to me he is a living proof of the existence of God. 

He is the painful beauty. I can't explain how beauty can bring pain but I perceived it and so it does, at least to me.

How can we get such strength, do we need so much pain to get out the best in us?? Can we just get it out on purpose? Do we all have such strength and beauty? Or has all the devilish details of our lives took away from us this capability, this beauty.

Thanks Stephen Hawkin

That's jWoman's words for tonight.